I'm still rambling about smoking. #Addict.

So now that I don't smoke, I don't feel like I really have anything insightful to say. (Well, that's my thought process anyway...Cigarettes made me creative. Sigh.)

It's been just over two weeks since I kicked the habit, and let me tell you, I am one agitated, hungry, and just an overall miserable person to be around. (If you haven't noticed it then you are probably blind because I give death glares to everyone and anyone I cross paths with...But that's just who I am now.) In fact, quitting smoking may have prolonged my life, but I feel sorry for all of you suckers who now have to live with the new crabby me for longer. -- You all just shoulda accepted my smoking habit (and I'm going to go as far as to say that you probably should have helped me pay for it) cause we're all in this for the long haul now...

Hooray.

But really, it's not even that bad. True to Shelley form, I am being overly dramatic about this entire situation. -- I mean, sure I still have cravings for cigarettes that I try to ignore by stuffing my face with food. And, yes I certainly have a lot less patience than I used to, but ladies and gentlemen, I am now a non-smoker. It's official.

Although, have no fear my smoking buddies, I have not yet gotten to that point -- That self rightous point where most people who quit smoking get to -- where I think that all smokers are the devil reincarnate. Nope. I still like you all. In fact, I want you all to know that I still think you look cool smoking. (I'm not even just saying that either. I'm old school, I have that 1994 mentality when it comes to smoking. It's cool. It's James Dean Cool. No, wait; it's Wynona Rider in Reality Bites cool.)

Ah well, my dad says that I'm home free in six-weeks. (He better be right, because more than actually craving a cigarette these days, I am just craving being a smoker. It's weird...)

I've made it past two weeks. I'm fatter and I hav a shorter fuse, but at least I'm still trying I guess...

I'm an addict.

I'm OK!

Good news everyone: I think I'm OK now.

It's true that I’ve been a chaotic mess for the last week, due in large part to my lack of a cigarette. Although after a thorough self-assessment (which involved me looking into a mirror this morning and telling myself how awesome I am, followed by a food reward of last night’s left-over pizza…) I think it’s safe to say that I am going to be OK!

Yep.

I am A-OK! -- In fact, I am so OK, that I have convinced myself that I am now officially a believable non-smoker who is OK with not smoking! (Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t stink anymore! -- I bet if you kissed me I wouldn’t even taste like a dirty ol’ ashtray anymore either! – Woohoo! Who wants to make out!? No seriously, let’s try…Someone make out with me…Please?!)

Haha…Just kidding. Kind of.

But since we’re on the subject of making out, I will say that (when the time is right) I am excited about the notion of checking off the non-smoking box on all of the online dating sites I intend to join! (I also intend to lose a little weight and post pictures of myself in booty shorts, nipple tassels, and anything that is completely inappropriate and suggestive enough to get men to notice me…Desperate times call for desperate measures! -- The clock is ticking; I’m quickly becoming an old lady!! But that’s an entirely different blog post!)

Oh well, I just wanted to post this little note to tell you all that I am OK today!

Hooray!!

Keep Going!

So I popped onto Facebook (while waiting for my ride out to Ashern, MB) and low and behold I found a friend's status message that took me by complete surprise and literally made me want to cry!

It said:

"Tomorrow is my quit date........(smoking)........ reading Shelley Cook's blog has made me see that if she can do it.....then so can I !!!!!!!!!!!"

Thanks friend (who I'm not naming, in case you don't want me to!) You've really made my day, and I am excited that you are going to quit smoking with me! (Not only because misery loves company...HAHA, just kidding. But, because we're going to kick this habit and not be slaves to it anymore!)

Good luck! (And thank you for inspiring me to keep going!!)

Time to snap out of it...

After watching Diane Sawyer's April, 2008 interview with Dr. Randy Pausch, author of the best selling book The Last Lecture, I realize that I need to snap out of my self-pitying funk.

So I quit smoking. -- A big accomplishment with huge mood-altering consequences, yes. But, quitting smoking is not the end of the world (as I have alluded to on my blog!) In fact it just dawned on me that even though I have stopped the deadly habit, it is still stealing pieces of my life because I am so consumed by not doing it!

The thing that motivated me to watch Pausch's interview (again) tonight, was an online conversation that I had with Matt Bushby, spouse of missing Manitoba woman, Claudette Osborne. Matt, whom I became friends with because of my IPP (Independent Professional Project), is one of the most positive people I've ever met. Throughout his ordeal, of losing his 'soul mate,' and raising his children without their mother, Matt has shown a great deal of positivity and strength.

(Which is why I decided to google Pausch; because Matt Bushby's attitude reminded me of Randy Pausch's.)

Tonight, during my online chat with Matt, he encouraged me to continue on with my battle to butt out. He reminded me that self-pity can be very self absorbing, and that I should want to quit more than anything, based on how strong my desire to continue to smoke is.

I was inspired.

As Matt and I chatted, he told me about the new challenge that Claudette's family is doing in honour of her. (Her mother and other family members are walking to Winnipeg from Norway House. -- That's almost 800 km -- To raise awareness about her and about the No Stone Unturned concert that is taking place at the Forks this Friday.)

Matt told me about how proud he was of Claudette's family, for taking this journey, and said that he will take part in the last leg of the walk from Ashern to Winnipeg.

Throughout our conversation, Matt maintained a positive attitude, articulating in a way that seemed unfathomable to me (based on what he and his family have been through...)

And then he said something that was so profound to me; after I told him that I liked his attitude and his take on life (especially since his life has been extremely difficult since Claudette went missing.) He said:

"I will never, I think, not feel pain and frustration on how the last few years (of my life) have gone, but I won't let it ruin me either."

Wow.

After he said that I felt like a big baby! -- Here I am feeling utterly and completely sorry for myself because I can't smoke, and Matt was comforting me! He's found a sort of peace with his life-situation that is a bazillion times more upsetting than mine. (I lost my cigarettes and he lost his wife! There isn't even a comparison there...)

Today, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop complaining about my life and about quitting smoking. It's time for me to snap out of it.

Day Six: I feel as sad as an emo kid who lost his eye liner...

Here we are, day six of my and and (supposed) approved non-smoking lifestyle.

Wow, I feel like crap. -- As the title says, I feel like an emo kid who lost his eye liner. I've got a bad case of the sads.

A couple people who have quit smoking told me that I am already at the halfway point. (Hence, another week of feeling like I want to scratch my eyes out before I start to feel better...Hooray!)

Ugh.

I've decided that after tomorrow, I will stop blogging about my absolute hell (of quitting smoking.) I can only imagine that my blog is a bummer to read, and if any of you are still reading through my agony, I salute you. You're all troopers!

I don't feel like blogging right now. I'm going to take a walk or something.

Day Five: Thank the Lord you are almost over...

Action shot of me being miserable.

I am going to go to bed in a few minutes. It's day five of my non-smoking lifestyle and I feel like a soulless shell of my former self.

I know this feeling will pass, but right now I am throwing myself a pity party while trying to coast through the withdrawal symptoms before I call it a night. (I still can't shake the nauseous feeling that I've developed since being a non-smoker, but it is getting better...)

I am getting better, but this habit is one that seems almost invincible. -- I still reach for my cigarettes numerous times a day, only to remember (with complete and utter disappointment) that they are no longer a part of my life.

They (experts? non-smokers? anonymous people on the internet?) say that quitting nicotine is like quitting heroin.

I believe it.

I have never felt so desperate and pathetic as I do these days; the logical side of me thinks "Dude, it's only a fucking cigarette, stop being such a baby!" Yet, when the craving takes over, I am a complete and utter fiend. Many times today I would have smoked if I was given the opportunity.

Yep.

Five days invested, and I would have traded it all in for a puff of a cigarette.

I'm miserable.

I hope tomorrow is better...

Days three and four: The ebbs and flows of kicking butt...

Well folks, I am on day four of my quitting smoking journey.

It sucks. -- I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel accomplished for having enough will power to endure the sharp and painful withdrawal symptoms that seem to unexpectedly pop up. However, I would be lying if I said that these last four days weren't some of the hardest days I can ever remember...

The physical and psychological toll that quitting smoking has left on my body and mind are taxing; I am exhausted, I have waves of nausea (where I feel like I am going to vomit at any second) followed by an almost uncontrollable urge to eat anything and everything in sight. I'm irritable and frustrated. I grit my teeth and pop my gum, taking deep breaths while I try to divert my attention to anything that is not (or cannot be linked to) smoking. (Oddly enough, I have discovered, in this process, that I have the sheer, raw talent of relating everything to cigarettes. Who knew I was so creative and gifted?!)

This is really hard.

I read on a website (I can't remember which one) that less than 10 per cent of the smoking population actually succeed at quitting. I believe it. (I mean, in these four days alone I have rationalized with myself about a million times on how smoking is just a part of my life that I should just accept and embrace. I tell myself that it would be easier to live a potentially shorter life as a happy smoker, than a longer, healthier life as an angry and irritated non-smoker.)

It's funny how even death doesn't seem to be a good enough reason at times.

that being said, I am still going the distance. -- I don't want to be a slave to cigarettes, or to big tobacco companies (and the government) who are charging me an arm and a leg to kill myself. I don't want to knowingly continue to commit a slow smoke-filled suicide on my own dime. (Shit, $14 every two days to kill myself!? I think this is a lose-lose situation!) I know how horrible the ramifications of smoking are. I don't have the luxury of pleading ignorance to feed my addiction.

I know that I am only four days in, but as I've already said: These have been some of the longest days of my life. (I know I sound like a big baby, and I know that it's hard for people to empathize with me, but wow...This is an insane ride...)

The good part about this whole quitting thing is that I've really changed my perspective on my deadly habit (and kicking it).

It used to be that I would quit under the pressure of someone else. (Boyfriends who didn't smoke were always trying to make me quit the habit, as were my family members and friends...) This time though, I am doing it for me. I'm accountable to myself and nobody else. I know that if I want to have a drag of a cigarette, or even buy a pack of cigarettes, I can. I don't have anybody to answer to. (That's a really nice feeling. Rather than feeling pressure from the people who love me, I feel support from them for a decision that I've made on my own.)

I don't plan on taking a drag of a cigarette or buying a pack. However, I feel empowered knowing that I can if I want to.

Oh well, at this point I am hoping that things will only start to get better! (I still get the shakes and fiend somethin' fierce, but I'm still on the wagon...)

Oh, and I promise that I will stop blogging about this whole non-smoking thing. No really, I will. Right now though, I need an outlet, so you're all stuck with reading about it!

Cheers!

Day One: FML

Happier times, Circa last week.

Well today is the first day of the rest of my life because I quit smoking.

You'd think that I would be happy that I've quit this bitch, but I'm not. In fact, more than anything my mood shifts from anger to depression to complete and utter loss. There is no sunshine left in my soul today.

I hate quitting.

I'll be honest when I say that I am unsure if I will be able to maintain my life as a non-smoker. I mean, I quit and hope to remain that way, but since I have been doing it for so long, I might slip back into my old puff-puff ways. (I say this because the last thing I need is some non-smoker to laugh at me from their high horse, ivory tower if I slip. -- Nobody likes the person who insists on saying 'I told you so.' Seriously. Nobody likes that person.)

Anyways, the reason that I have chosen to quit are as follows:

1) Stinking: I hate that I smell like a stanky old ash tray. Seriously, why do I even buy perfume?! (Smoke covered in perfume is my scent, it has been for years...)

2) Dying: I have probably already taken a number of years off of my life because of the years and years of smoking I've done. That sucks. I really wanted to live to be at least 100, or be the first person to live forever. Ugh. Damn you cigarettes.

3) Poverty: Cigarettes vs. Food. That's the constant battle that smokers often face. (Thank you Visa for allowing me to not have to make that choice...Sure I am in debt for the next couple of years, but at least I got to smoke and eat!) For real though, it's not just food; I want to be able to have nice things and have awesome adventures. I'm so sick of all my happy non-smoking friends who go on trips and have nice (new) things. I don't want to be the poor smoker who can't afford stuff and who always has wind-blown hair. That's not cool.

4) Uncool: Well damn you Wynona Ryder (AKA Lelaina Pierce in Reality Bites, circa 1994)! You made smoking look super cool. Ugh. Not only did you make smoking look cool, but pretty much every band, singer, Hollywood movie, actor or actress made smoking the thing to do in the early 90s. -- Smoking, grunge, depression and suicide, that's what the 90s were all about man. And now, flash forward to 2010, none of that stuff is remotely cool anymore! (Not gonna lie, that's kinda good cause the whole grunge thing was really depressing...)Still, I was hoping cigarettes would make a comeback.

Ugh. I have the shakes and can't concentrate on anything. Quitting sucks.