Happier times, Circa last week.
Well today is the first day of the rest of my life because I quit smoking.
You'd think that I would be happy that I've quit this bitch, but I'm not. In fact, more than anything my mood shifts from anger to depression to complete and utter loss. There is no sunshine left in my soul today.
I hate quitting.
I'll be honest when I say that I am unsure if I will be able to maintain my life as a non-smoker. I mean, I quit and hope to remain that way, but since I have been doing it for so long, I might slip back into my old puff-puff ways. (I say this because the last thing I need is some non-smoker to laugh at me from their high horse, ivory tower if I slip. -- Nobody likes the person who insists on saying 'I told you so.' Seriously. Nobody likes that person.)
Anyways, the reason that I have chosen to quit are as follows:
1) Stinking: I hate that I smell like a stanky old ash tray. Seriously, why do I even buy perfume?! (Smoke covered in perfume is my scent, it has been for years...)
2) Dying: I have probably already taken a number of years off of my life because of the years and years of smoking I've done. That sucks. I really wanted to live to be at least 100, or be the first person to live forever. Ugh. Damn you cigarettes.
3) Poverty: Cigarettes vs. Food. That's the constant battle that smokers often face. (Thank you Visa for allowing me to not have to make that choice...Sure I am in debt for the next couple of years, but at least I got to smoke and eat!) For real though, it's not just food; I want to be able to have nice things and have awesome adventures. I'm so sick of all my happy non-smoking friends who go on trips and have nice (new) things. I don't want to be the poor smoker who can't afford stuff and who always has wind-blown hair. That's not cool.
4) Uncool: Well damn you Wynona Ryder (AKA Lelaina Pierce in Reality Bites, circa 1994)! You made smoking look super cool. Ugh. Not only did you make smoking look cool, but pretty much every band, singer, Hollywood movie, actor or actress made smoking the thing to do in the early 90s. -- Smoking, grunge, depression and suicide, that's what the 90s were all about man. And now, flash forward to 2010, none of that stuff is remotely cool anymore! (Not gonna lie, that's kinda good cause the whole grunge thing was really depressing...)Still, I was hoping cigarettes would make a comeback.
Ugh. I have the shakes and can't concentrate on anything. Quitting sucks.