Yeah, I went there.
I'm not trying to body shame myself. I mean, if the last two years have taught me anything, it's that my body is an amazing and powerful vessel. It created life! I am lucky to have a body that works, and for the most part I try to be body positive, especially since I have a daughter who I want to be a good role model for. I never want her to hate herself or her body because she doesn't meet an ideal.
That said though, even people who strive to be body positive have moments of insecurity and doubt. Going back to work fat is mine.
Before I gave birth, I promised myself that I would get back into shape on mat-leave. A year is plenty of time to develop and balance a healthy lifestyle, plenty of people do it. I could too.
I had this notion in my head that I would saunter into work in my pre-baby and pre-boyfriend attire. (Because let's be honest, I gained weight before I was pregnant.") I wanted everyone to "ohhhh" and "ahhhh" about how great I looked and how skinny I was.
Yes, this is vain, but this is what I wanted.
But the truth is I still haven't found my groove. I haven't found my groove at the gym. I haven't found my groove at meal planning. I haven't found my groove with the kids, in my relationship, or with myself. I haven't found my groove in this life. I mean, I am doing well and enjoying life, but everything is a big fucking balancing act that I haven't mastered yet. Often my days are dictated by the temperament of my eight month old daughter.
Genetics also plays a key role. I have a large body, I come by it honestly.
A few years ago I lost a bunch of weight because I went to the gym six or seven days a week and because I had a super restrictive diet due to a bad gallbladder. Even then, eating no fat whatsoever, I still wasn't "skinny."
But, this time around I could have been better at working out and I could have "dieted" from the get go. I could have done a lot of things but I didn't, and I'm still not. Not in any sort of routine, anyway.
More than losing the weight, I need to lose this insecurity, because it's like cancer. It's gnawing away at me, and for what? -- My insecurities are certainly not going to motivate me to go to the gym more. In fact, hating myself usually motivates me to do nothing at all. I need to stop beating myself up for not "bouncing back" or not looking like the other new moms who just had babies. I need to stop getting frustrated when I can't get a workout in. (I hand it to you mothers who are able to, you are superheroes. keep going!)
I need to find that place where I am comfortable in my own skin, no matter how lumpy or stretched out it may be. I need to stop beating myself up and being a fatphobe because it makes me ugly and the world has enough fat-haters already. I need to enjoy life and do great things without letting my insecurities hinder me
Most of all though, I need to stop apologizing to people for the way I look. I do it all the time without even realizing it and it's a really self deprecating habit. Like, I'll run into someone and they will be talking to me and I will somehow slip it into the conversation that I still have to lose the baby weight, or that I'm still fat eight months after having a baby, or that none of my old clothes fit...
People can and will observe and judge for themselves. I don't need to point it out. I don't need to explain or apologize for my appearance. I just need to love myself and stop being so goddamned self conscious..
I've always been my healthiest self when I am loving myself.
I need to get over it.