Days three and four: The ebbs and flows of kicking butt...

Well folks, I am on day four of my quitting smoking journey.

It sucks. -- I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel accomplished for having enough will power to endure the sharp and painful withdrawal symptoms that seem to unexpectedly pop up. However, I would be lying if I said that these last four days weren't some of the hardest days I can ever remember...

The physical and psychological toll that quitting smoking has left on my body and mind are taxing; I am exhausted, I have waves of nausea (where I feel like I am going to vomit at any second) followed by an almost uncontrollable urge to eat anything and everything in sight. I'm irritable and frustrated. I grit my teeth and pop my gum, taking deep breaths while I try to divert my attention to anything that is not (or cannot be linked to) smoking. (Oddly enough, I have discovered, in this process, that I have the sheer, raw talent of relating everything to cigarettes. Who knew I was so creative and gifted?!)

This is really hard.

I read on a website (I can't remember which one) that less than 10 per cent of the smoking population actually succeed at quitting. I believe it. (I mean, in these four days alone I have rationalized with myself about a million times on how smoking is just a part of my life that I should just accept and embrace. I tell myself that it would be easier to live a potentially shorter life as a happy smoker, than a longer, healthier life as an angry and irritated non-smoker.)

It's funny how even death doesn't seem to be a good enough reason at times.

that being said, I am still going the distance. -- I don't want to be a slave to cigarettes, or to big tobacco companies (and the government) who are charging me an arm and a leg to kill myself. I don't want to knowingly continue to commit a slow smoke-filled suicide on my own dime. (Shit, $14 every two days to kill myself!? I think this is a lose-lose situation!) I know how horrible the ramifications of smoking are. I don't have the luxury of pleading ignorance to feed my addiction.

I know that I am only four days in, but as I've already said: These have been some of the longest days of my life. (I know I sound like a big baby, and I know that it's hard for people to empathize with me, but wow...This is an insane ride...)

The good part about this whole quitting thing is that I've really changed my perspective on my deadly habit (and kicking it).

It used to be that I would quit under the pressure of someone else. (Boyfriends who didn't smoke were always trying to make me quit the habit, as were my family members and friends...) This time though, I am doing it for me. I'm accountable to myself and nobody else. I know that if I want to have a drag of a cigarette, or even buy a pack of cigarettes, I can. I don't have anybody to answer to. (That's a really nice feeling. Rather than feeling pressure from the people who love me, I feel support from them for a decision that I've made on my own.)

I don't plan on taking a drag of a cigarette or buying a pack. However, I feel empowered knowing that I can if I want to.

Oh well, at this point I am hoping that things will only start to get better! (I still get the shakes and fiend somethin' fierce, but I'm still on the wagon...)

Oh, and I promise that I will stop blogging about this whole non-smoking thing. No really, I will. Right now though, I need an outlet, so you're all stuck with reading about it!

Cheers!