For Amma

When your heart grows heavy and your memories fade, 

When simple becomes hard and you are afraid,

I will be there.

When hope is lost, and hurt intervenes,

When your whole life becomes a set of scattered scenes,

I will be there.

You can't escape this demon, it will eat you whole, 

but the ray of light inside you will encapsulate your soul.

Confusion has become a staple in your life,

With a hand upon your shoulder we will get you through this strife.

When your mind starts to vanish and you forget who we are,

When frustration gets the best of you, and reality seems too far, 

When your feelings make no sense, and you've had too much to take,

When your tears fall like bombs, and your heart begins to break,

When your day hands you nothing but forgetfulness and despair,

You are not alone.

I will be there.

Manitoba Health: Teaching Manitobans how to Suffer efficiently.

PHOTO/ Government of MBwebsite

The Manitoba Healthcare System teaches you how to learn to suffer efficiently. That's my experience anyway.

I've got a bad gallbladder; there's a stone blocking my common bile duct. (If you and I are friends in real life or on any social media forum, you probably know this already. I've been complaining about it for months. Sadly for you, I will likely continue to complain about it for another couple of months, until I get it removed.)

My situation is common I've learned; lots of people suffer from gallstones. They're not critical until they cause liver damage, and even then they are likely not critical. However if they do cause liver damage, the damage is irreversible. Unless your liver or pancreas are in immediate jeopardy, there is very little ER doctors in Manitoba can, or will do for you.

It's good news that my liver is fine, however, in a sense, it's also bad news because I don't warrant emergency care and my healthy liver has to take a few more months of daily "beatings" before I can get treatment.

Don't get me wrong about the healthcare professionals in this province; I appreciate them and the work they do very much. I appreciate the empathy most of the ER doctors who I have seen (which, over the months have been many) express towards me while I'm experiencing what I can only call a crisis; and I appreciate the painkillers they give me (usually a combination of morphine or demoral and Gravol) that help ease the pain; and I appreciate that they work hard, and have to prioritize their patients based on how dire each person's situation is. Most, if not all, doctors work very, very hard.

However under our current healthcare system, my situation is only dire to me.

I don't blame the doctors, I blame the inadequate healthcare system in this province.

Healthcare professionals in Manitoba are overworked, often shorthanded, and see far more critical cases then mine on a day-to-day basis. Gallbladder attacks, a colleague who used to suffer from the same attacks said to me,  are "a dime a dozen in the ER." They likely aren't going to kill you, unlike the person in front or behind you in the triage desk line, who might be suffering from something critical.

Still, the attacks hurt. No, they damn near kill. The pain of a gallbladder attack is so intense they are often compared to childbirth. Since I don't have kids, I can't make that comparison. However, I can describe the increasingly frequent attacks as one of the most painful, if not the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

The attacks leave me debilitated, curled up in a ball, crying, and hoping that my painkillers kick in soon. Yet, even when they do, the Tylonol 3 or Percocet (otherwise known as Oxycodone) I have been prescribed are no match for the attacks. At this point, my only hopeless hope is that the stoned and sedentary affects of the drugs put me to sleep, so I can escape the stabbing and burning feeling that radiates throughout my body.

It's almost become a nightly routine. A complete nightmare.

I will get surgery, I've already seen a specialist who has confirmed that I need to have my gallbladder removed, although it will still be another couple of months before that happens. Until then I just have to continue to cope with the aide of highly addictive painkillers and a non-fat diet. (For the record, my gallbladder is so far gone, even foods with zero fat trigger massive attacks.)

I'm frustrated.

I don't know how to fix this fractured system; I see it as a failure of our government. However, I'm not sure how any governmental party can fix this kind of system. I tried, to no avail, to reach out to an MLA from the opposition party who tweeted out a media release slamming our healthcare system. I tweeted back at her, asking what her party would do differently. I'm not sure she has a solution, or would have told me if she did, but her lack of response gave her media release little credibility. It seems the media release was merely a finger-pointing campaign at the NDP.

(For the record, I actually agreed with her point that the curent Manitoba healthcare system is a failure. I don't think our government is doing enough for the people of our province when it comes to quality care in a timely fashion.)

Healthcare has seemingly become a political pissing contest; it's more about politics and finger-pointing then it is about patient care.

I realize the system is "free." I realize that perhaps the government has made strides and changes in various areas of this system. I realize that this is an abyss of a problem that will likely never be solved. However, that doesn't mean certain areas can't be fixed. The system operates on an emergency basis, overlooking people with painful or non-life threatening illnesses by making them wait and using band-aide solutions; In my case, an elevating prescription for more potent and more addictive painkillers.

There is not much logic in that type of action.

Throwing highly addictive painkillers at people and making them wait months for care is not only a recipe for disaster, but it causes a whole new set of problems for the patients and for all Manitobans, including our government.

How many people are knocking off drugstores for Oxy? How many people could have avoided drug addictions or runoff health issues if they received the care they needed in a timely manner? How many people become a strain on other parts of the system because they can't function normally due to their untreated illness'? How many people have to learn how to suffer efficiently?

Bottom line: Manitoba Health is a failing system. It needs to be fixed.

The fat on trying to sell skinny

I am sick to death of people trying to sell skinny.

People who sell the ideal of ‘skinny’ prey on a large segment of the population, desperate for a fix, perhaps a quick fix. Not all weight loss programs promote a healthy lifestyle, nor are many of the people in charge of running these programs certified to help others learn about nutrition and health.

Selling skinny is an over-saturated and lucrative business. 

Fat discrimination is one of the last acceptable forms of prejudice in our society. We see it in movies, on TV, we hear ads on the radio, on billboards, on magazine covers, and even in our daily rhetoric with others. In this day and age it is still acceptable to make fun of people who carry extra weight, because it’s their fault they’re fat. I call bull shit.

Why is it acceptable to comment or pass judgement on anyone’s appearance? I often compare the radical “Health/skinny-pushers” (we’ll call them ‘Fitness Extremists’) to the radical religious nuts: Just because they are doing something that they feel is right and they believe whole-heartedly in, they feel it is OK to pass judgement on others who may not do, or believe in the same regime. It’s the exact same religious cult, only a different god.

We’re appalled at the religious extremists who push their beliefs (often hurtful and hateful) on the rest of us because we deem them to be wrong and they instill hate. Yet we say nothing at the fitness extremists who do the exact same thing because they’re just trying to make the world a “healthier,” less fat place. 

Again, I call bull shit.

There is a fine, often marred, line when it comes to health and weight loss. There are definitely people who make it their career and their mission to help others become healthy, and as a result lose weight. But, there is another segment who is banking on the fact that we are a weight-obsessed society, willing to shell out money for the secret potion of weight loss. Some of these people have credentials that are deemed trustworthy, others don’t. Still, there is another segment who just don’t like overweight people. I can’t explain why, just as I can’t explain racism or sexism. 

The biggest obstacle many people with weight issues face is that they are made to feel inadequate and worthless because of the way they look. Whether it’s as blatant as someone calling someone else fat, or whether it’s in an ad preaching about how much better life is when you’re skinny, the messages are out there, and they are plenty. 

I am not certified to give nutritional advice, so I can’t and won’t say what might work for someone trying to lose weight. I don’t know what will work, we’re all different and our bodies respond to different things. That said, I do encourage people to look at themselves in love and kindness and appreciate the body they have. As cheesy as it might sound, loving yourself is the first step to a healthy lifestyle.

Please be leery about lifestyle changes, and please be leery about the countless people who want to “help” you.

The best way to decipher a person or business’ intentions is in how they promote a healthy lifestyle. 

My grandma: The cycle of life.

My grandma is 93-years-old and she has dementia.

It's hard to watch somebody you've loved your whole life deteriorate in such a confusing and frustrating way. She's old, she's changing, and the reality is, she is not the same person I've known my whole life. This disease is infecting her mind, weaving confusion and forgetfulness into her 93-years of memories and emotions. One minute she is fine, but in a split second she very easily gets lost, mentally and emotionally. She knows it, which is the worst part.

Amma, Me & Heather: Folklorama in the 80s

My mom always tries to console me by telling me that this is a natural progression of life. (She specializes in neurological brain disorders, I suppose she comprehends my grandma's disease in a way that I can't: logically and scientifically.) She's the one who has become my grandma's primary...I don't even know the right word. I guess the best way to describe it is that my mom and my grandma have, in a sense, come full circle: My mom cares for my grandma in ways that she is unable to care for herself anymore.

I know it's taxing on my mom, it would be on anybody. Not because my grandma is a "burden," but because it's a hard stage of life to walk through with somebody. Yet she does it well, with a lot of patience and firmness.

My grandma is a lovely lady, but if I had to guess I would say I got my attitude and temperament from her. (translation: She can be a diva at times, maybe a little intense and melodramatic...) That is part of her charm, and perhaps one of the reasons her and I have such a strong bond: we're the same person, sixty years and a bunch of different morals apart.

I've just been feeling a profound sadness about this chapter of life with my grandma. People tell me all the time that I should feel lucky to still have a grandma who is otherwise healthy, and I am. I just have a hard time with the dementia. I am not ready for this part. I'll never be ready... When it comes to my grandma my emotions outweigh any logic I might have. I love her, and it makes me sad. It just makes me really, really sad.

I know people mean well when they say those kinds of things, but sometimes those 'reassuring words' aren't helpful. Most times they aren't. Instead they instill a sense of guilt and shame about the way I feel. I know that's not the intent, and I am probably hyper-sensitive. But even though she is old and this is probably inevitable, love doesn't know age. Sometimes the best response to someone who talks about this kind of issue is just something like "That's shitty."

Yes it is.

That said, I love her and she needs me not to be the weak person that I've been. I can live in denial and sadness, but then I'm robbing myself of spending time with my grandma.

In the end, there is no real moral to this post. This is the cycle of life and the emotions that accompany it. To love someone with your whole heart is to understand that love sometimes does and will hurt, but it's always worth it.

Here's a video of my grandma I made a few years ago, my favourite part is when she starts laughing (fun fact: that was genuine; we were just fooling around and talking. I wasn't even going to use that footage until I saw it when I was editing. It's perfect.)

"We should all have one person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence, Grandmother was that person to me."  - Phyllis Theroux

I'm a $53 idiot!

My mom just called me to let me know I have $53 in my bank account. Shit. (Yeah, my mom has my banking information, she checks it routinely and helps me manage my money. Yes I'm ashamed of this, but I'd be lying if I said she probably is the reason that I'm not homeless. I'm terrible with money.)

Anyway, $53 dollars, and a loooong way till payday. I'm fucked.

To be fair to myself, I really tried to be more thoughtful about my spending this time around; I thought I had more money then I did, but alas I forgot about a payment due to come out any second. I have nobody to blame but myself.

Seems as though living the dream has come at a hefty price tag, considering a large chunk of my money goes towards paying back the mountain of student debts I amassed . Since I only have a little over a year of being graduated under my belt, I'm still at the "entry level" of my career, which means the money is decent, but given what I have to pay back, it certainly isn't enough.

My Jeggings = muffin-top. I need new ones.

Still, I am one of the lucky ones I guess. I escaped a job and a future I didn't want, and I have a the opportunity to move upward and onward in the communications field. I can freelance, and I can take on a second or third job, which is my intention. Aside from a new opportunity coming up in the new year (which I'll tell you all about soon) I want to get another job at a place like Starbucks or something. (I've always romanticized working at Starbucks, everyone there seems happy, and I love coffee.)

I may as well work more, since I don't have the money to have the kind of social life I want right now anyway. (I don't even have the money to have cable right now, nevermind!)

Still, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, even though I am, because I am a fiscal idiot... I don't even want to get into it. I'm a fiscal idiot who has $53 in her bank account!

Admittance of my fiscally inept ways aside, part of me is still like "Ohhh, I still have $53 in my bank account and I really want a new pair or leggings! Fifty-three-dollars is totally enough, SCORE!") New leggings, jeggings and skinny-legged black pants are on the top of my "Must Have" list. I have these beautiful boots that I want to wear every single day and I need pants that will tuck nicely into them without giving me the muffin-top that the current pair of jeggings I have do. I must refrain.

It appears that I am hopeless.

2012: The year that was

Photo Source: Tumblr

Well 2012, you’ve certainly been a year to remember (Or, in some cases, a time in my life that I’d like to forget.)

The first seven months of the year were, for lack of a better term, shitty. Yet, what came after was unexpected and pleasant.  

I found love, and lost it twice; first with something (someone) I never actually knew, but will never forget. Second with someone who, it turns out, I barely ever knew at all. I am a better person for it, but like all heartache, it was trying. (Cryptic, yes, but necessary. I don’t want to share all aspects of my life. Assume what you want.)

My new single status was forced on me, I didn’t see it as the liberation that I appreciate it as now. It was unwanted and foreign; lonely and humbling. I felt abandoned, empty, and deceived, yet it forced me to change the things about myself that I didn’t particularly like but settled with for so long. 

Looking back, the death of my dysfunctional relationship was a lucky break because I now realize that I was trying to commit to something and someone that never quite fit. He (and it) were like that dress that looks great on a hanger, but are neither flattering or comfortable. Not for me anyway. It also gave me a clean slate and the opportunity to create a new adventure for myself. (And to shop around for new dresses that are more my style. Window shop anyway...)

I am not the same woman I was when 2012 started, and for that I am grateful.

The latter part of the year was rich in new experiences and new friends. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun, nor can I remember a time in my life when my confidence was as stable and as high as it is now. I am happy. 

I don’t want to romanticize my life, because of course I have struggles. Daily ones. In fact, I have failed at so many things in the last year that I’ve lost count. I continue to fail at things, but rather than dwell on my shortcomings I’m trying to learn from them. Sometimes my failures hurt and sometimes they’re a source of amusement. Either way, there is always a lesson or two buried in my mistakes. Lucky for me, I make enough of them in my life to confidently say that I will never stop learning.

I am most grateful for the people in my life. I surround myself with quality folks, and 2012 certainly brought out the best in my friendships. I have never believed more in love and in the goodness of people, because I have experienced a great deal of it this year. 

While I have no clue what 2013 will bring, I hope it will be as enriching as the latter part of 2012. I have no resolutions (No immediate ones anyway, I prefer to make mine all year long) but I have aspirations and goals going forward. 

With that, I happily walk away from the past and look forward to what the future holds. 

Happy New Year.

Bullying: Check yourself.

Amanda Todd/ Facebook

The subject of bullying has come into the spotlight this week, in light of the recent suicide death of Amanda Todd, a 15-year-old BC girl who took her own life last week after facing years of torment at the hands of her peers and an online predator.

Todd, who shared her story through a YouTube video a month before her death, has become another senseless victim of bullying. She was tormented, teased, assaulted and stalked by people who felt the need to judge her for an indiscretion, perhaps a series of indiscretions she made in her short life. From what it sounds like, this young girl was hunted down and had repeatedly ganged up on.

And for what purpose?

Because this is the kind of society we live in? I dunno.

I do know that bullying is more rampant than people would like to admit, and people of all ages are doing it. Take website ‘The Dirty’ for instance; people can anonymously post pictures and stories about anybody (ANYBODY) they don’t like, or are mad at, for the rest of the world to see. These stories don’t even have to be true, and I’m sure many of them are aren’t, or if there is some validity to them, it's likely that only aspects of truth sprinkled into them.

This girl’s a whore. This guy is a liar and a cheat. This girl is fat. This guy has an STI. This girl stole my boyfriend... Who the fuck cares!

Even if you’re angry, or somebody has done you wrong, there is NO justifiable reason to EVER post about somebody on a website like that. None. Doing this makes you a bully of the worst kind: An ignorant coward who can’t even stand behind your terrible words and antics.

It’s a safe place for you to hide while you throw people like Amanda Todd to the wolves.

(Yeah, for some reason there are still people out there who give things that are posted on The Dirty merit. Clearly ignorance comes in all forms.)

If you try to defend posting on that site, you are part of the problem. Hell, even looking at that site makes you a part of this problem.  At the end of the day The Dirty is an online bully forum where nobody is immune. It’s a coward’s device where people hide behind anonymity to bully and berate others.

Think about that as we all chastise the kids who helped push Amanda Todd into an early grave. We all have a responsibility for our actions, whether we can hide behind anonymity or not.

I’m not going to go into a big rant about karma, because frankly that’s futile. But, I think the way we live or lives and the way we regard and treat other people is a clear indication of how our lives are going to be. -- Hence, if you are one of those people who are eager to pounce on somebody for decisions or indiscretions they’ve made, or simply because you or others dislike them, your life needs some kind of substance.

If you are going to take a stand against bullying, do it. People like Amanda Todd need that. Look at your own actions and behaviours and decide what side you’re on. -- You don’t have to like or respect everyone, but take strides to make sure you’re not being a bully. If you can’t be kind, try to be classy.

Bullying is a learned behaviour and we are all susceptible to being on either side of it.

Dating Disasters: NEVER give your number to the guy who yells "C'mere" to you at two o'clock in the morning. EVER.

So I met this guy last week; I was walking to my car from my friend Apryl's apartment one night and this guy yelled out to me to come over and talk to him. I said no, that my shoes were too big and if he wanted to talk to me he could come talk to me. He did. 

He wanted to party, but it was 2 a.m. and I just wanted to go home and go to bed. He was cute, but super young, when he asked for my number I gave it to him. 

"What the hell," I figured. "I'm single."

Well fella has been texting me all week. Nothing too exciting, but daily texts with terrible grammar. We made plans to hang out this Friday. (It's not like I'm looking for anything serious, I can deal with bad grammar on a temporary basis.)

Anyway, I just got this series of texts from him. Do you think I should go out with him?! ;)

So, um does anyone want to hang out this Friday?! It looks like I don't have plans anymore...