The D-bag at Wal-Mart

So I just encountered the biggest D-bag of all time today at Wal-Mart.

The guy: 'Mr. six foot five, good looking, red Burton hat and flip-flop wearing jerk,' pulled the ultimate d-bag move when he blatantly slithered in front of me in the ten items or less line, with his cart full of items, as the store was closing.

Arrrgh!

I just stood there with this look on my face:

Seriously, I was stunned.

The kicker though, is that I didn't say anything! Instead, I just stood there, balancing my bottle of bleach, 24-pack of toilet paper and other household cleaners, with that look painted onto my face.

And then a girl, who I assume was his girlfriend, walked up. She kind of chuckled and told Mr. D-bag that he couldn't go in that line.

"Don't worry about it," was his reply, as they both smirked. (Him out of arrogance and her out of what looked to be a combination of embarrassment and arrogance.)

She sipped on her medium McDonalds drink and they chatted. (I don't know what about, because I was too busy fuming....)

"You're going to cut me in line?" I was saying to him in my head. "Oh you crossed the line, I'm going to blog about you. Yeah, that's it. I'm going to blog about you and all my friends are going to know what a d-bag you are. So there!"

Then, I overheard him tell the girl to put her McDonalds cup on the floor.

"Let them pick it up," he said. "Or give it back to them and tell them you don't want it."

UGH!

"You know what, now you've really crossed the line," I yelled at him in my head. "If I wasn't too scared to tell you off in real life, I would totally call you out right here. But no, I'm a chicken. That's ok though, all my friends are going to read my blog, and they're going to be appalled by your actions and you'll be so embarrassed...Well, you would be anyway, if you knew that I was blogging about you...No, wait. You probably wouldn't be embarrassed because you're such an arrogant jerk that you likely think this stuff is funny. Well let me tell you something: You, sir, are a d-bag. A big, dumb, d-bag!"

I just stood there. Fuming in my head, with that stupid look painted on my face.

"Oh, and another thing, I'm going to remember your outfit and tell all my friends, and someone's going to know who you are based on my description, and they'll be like 'yeah, that guy's a d-bag!' and I'll say, 'I know!' and then we'll talk about you..."

(What?! I was mad...)

So then the d-bag and his lady cash out, and as I pass by them to go to my check-out, I give them both the meanest, dirtiest look (without actually making eye contact because I'm scared of confrontation) I tell myself that I am going to write the meanest blog rant ever about them.

"Take that d-bag and girlfriend. Take that!"

So here it is, my rant.

If you know this d-bag, message me so we can talk about him behind his back...

D, Dr. Love: Comfort-phobic!

Keeping with my theme of "love" (since I am now the self-professed "doctor" of it an all...) I think it's only fair that I throw some more of my unfounded love-babble out there in the vast abyss of cyberspace.

Why wouldn't you listen to me; I'm thirty, I've "been there, done that", and I even though I am so single that my dad thinks I'm too scared to tell him that I'm secretly gay, I still know my way around a relationship...

(In regards to the whole "gay thing", I'm not, but I guess it doesn't help any that I am in a "Facebook relationship" with a girl from work, I dig rainbows and Outwards Magazine, and my sister/sisters keep telling dear ol' dad that I like the ladies...For the record folks, I like guys.)

Anyways, back to my senseless love-babble...

So my last post, the one where I was pretty much shitting on love, was rather harsh. I say this because, after re-reading it, and reading a very thoughtful comment from a certain young CreComm named Meg, I realized that I should probably reconsider some of my recent musings.

I am not adverse to love; I think love is fantastic! However, since I am (in my opinion) fortunate enough to be, what I am pretty sure is one of the last people of my age demographic who is still childless and single, (Oh the stigma!) I have been able to look at other people's lives, and pick them apart from my lonely little pedestal...

(I interrupt this blog post to bring you a special, breaking news bulletin: as I write this blog entry, the man in the apartment either next to me, or below me is making strange noises that are making me really, really uncomfortable! -- And now, back to your regularly scheduled blog post...)

So back to love, and my absolute judgemental views on other peoples relationships; I don't think that all relationships are bad. I think many of them are, but I have to admit that there are some people who seem to make being "one" with another human being look easy...Appealing even.

Heck, those people make me want to jump on the Plenty-of-Fish/e-harmony bandwagon, and find me a cyber husband that I can do fun couple stuff with too...Nothing says "in the now" more than finding your man on the internet!

That being said, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't still very "pro-single".

I suppose my biggest concern with relationships is that they scare me; I don't like the level of comfort that many people in relationships subscribe to. Farting, gaining weight, not wearing makeup, and unshaven legs (among other things) don't seem like a pleasant way to be with somebody. (Call me old fashioned, but nothing makes me feel more awkward than liking a guy enough to feel comfortable enough to stop shaving my legs...)

I know not everybody gives way to sloppy comfort when they are with somebody, but there are so many folks who do! (I've done it; just ask some the dudes that I've dated previously...It was gross.)

I think at this point in my life I can honestly say that I have become a sort of relationship-challenged coward, afraid of turning into a hairy monster who bitches about her "old man", and stops attempting to look pretty because I feel comfortable enough to let the little things (like shaving my legs) slide...

How do you avoid that kind of thing? Is it inevitable? Is there a way to tell a new boyfriend that farting, and being overly gross with one another is not OK? Am I destined to be alone forever because of my disdain for poor bathroom etiquette, and supreme comfort?

I suppose, since I am still happily single, I don't really need to stress about these kinds of questions until the time comes when I meet a nice young (or old) man that I want to be in a relationship with. However, I need some feedback on this entire "relationship comfort" subject folks, I seem to have more questions than I do answers here...

Comic courtesy of: Natalie Dee

D, Dr. Love (that's me!)

So the other day I was talking to a friend of mine who is having boyfriend problems.

"We're on the verge of breaking up," she told me. "He's pretty much stopped calling and texting me, and the other day he started a fight for absolutely no reason."

(Poor girl; I spent almost all of my twenties entrapped in horrific train wreck’s that I passed off as relationships, saying similar things about my past boyfriends that she was telling me now; I truly felt for her when she told me about her big, bad boyfriend...)

I felt for her, but even more than that, I felt for myself...

Thank God I haven't subscribed to that "serious" relationship crap for a long, long time! (Excuse me if I sound like the queen of bitter, I assure you I am not. I am just...um, realistic?)

You see, I wasted most of my twenties involved in a string of truly dreadful relationships, and therefore I cannot say that I envy her, or anybody else that has found love. -- Don't get me wrong, I have dated (rather consistently I might add) over the course of the years, but since the last train wreck-relationship I had a number of years ago, I have been rather hesitant about subscribing to anything long-term, and/or using the term 'boyfriend'...

Instead, my method is that when a relationship has run its course, I like to call it quits before things get ugly. Usually at that time, both of us agree that “we’ve had a good run”, but the time has come to part ways…

Let me tell you, since I began this new relationship practice, I have never had such delightful breakups in my life!

The poor girl that I was telling you about, on the other hand, was telling me about her newly dysfunctional relationship, and how this new 'not calling, texting, and picking fights element' of her relationship was something that she believed she had escaped with said-boyfriend.

"I never had to worry about those stupid 'I'm not going to call you' games with him," she said. "That's what I liked about him."

So what happened?

How do so many relationships that start so wonderfully end up like this; catty little mind games that turn both parties into enemies?

Is it just par for the course?

Is it a battle of wills; two people not willing to admit that they are no longer right for each other?

Is it simply all an emotionally charged game of cat-and-mouse that all male and female participants secretly subscribe to when they enter into a relationship?

What is it?

I would like to believe in the notion of soul-mates, and “forever”, but in light of the numerous unhappy couples that I have encountered throughout the years, I am skeptical in the notion that many people in long-term relationships are truly happy, or even satisfied with what they have.

Am I wrong?

Do I just know a bunch of emotionally challenged people, including myself?

Am I being far too cynical for my own good?

I suppose when it comes to matters of the heart, there really isn’t a manual that provides the answers to these mind-gripping kinds of questions. But, really in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s important for all of us to understand that not being in a relationship or holding on to one that doesn’t measure up (so to speak) is a really lame way to spend your time and emotions…

Just sayin…

Oh, and for the record, if I ever meet Mr. Right, I’ll hold on to him…For awhile anyway.

Picture courtesy of: http://fc04.deviantart.net

Dane Cook; Mildly hilarious?

Last night my sister Heather and I were offered free box-seat tickets to Dane Cook at the MTS Centre.

The show was pretty good, but the consensus among most of us who attended last night agreed that we have seen, or heard Cook in a funnier light.

There were parts of the show where I thought he was absolutely hilarious. (Like when he described the "secret folder" that all men have hidden deep in the bowels of their computers, containing their deepest, darkest sexual secrets and fantasies...Or, when he described so perfectly the strange "relaxation music" that can be heard at any given spa...) However, there were also times when I thought he wasn't very funny at all. (I'm not a fan of bathroom talk, or making fun of people with special needs.)

We got there a little late, so we missed most of the first act. (I can't even remember his name!!) And the second act, who I also can't recall his name, and have not had any luck finding it on google, had Heather and I laughing out loud almost the entire time. (What can I say, I like crude sex humour...)

I am glad that I was able to go to this show, as I truly think that Dane Cook is funny, but I'll openly admit that I am glad that I didn't pay for my ticket. (My reaction to the show might have been completely different if I had...)

I doubt that I would ever go see Cook again, but I am glad that I got to see him last night!

D - Dr. Mom...

Yesterday I watched my mom graduate from the U of M, with her PhD!

I know this video doesn't really pertain to my blog a whole lot, I thought I should post it anyways...CONGRATULATIONS Dr. MOM!!!