Winnipegisms

I've been getting pretty nostalgic about Winnipeg lately.

I think this is because I am coming to that point in my life where I predicted that I would've already purchased my one-way ticket outta here. I mean, school's coming to an end, I have nothing holding me back (kids, husband, mortgage...) and I've always wanted to leave.

However, now that leaving this city is becoming more and more of a feasible option, I am getting all sentimental and mushy about all things Winnipeg. In fact, I've made a list of Winnipegisms that I feel represent the people and culture of this cold, but sunny city.

1. CLEARANCE: In most cities, people buy things based on what they like. In Winnipeg people buy things based on how much it costs, whether they like it or only sort of like it. The cheaper something is, the more likely a Winnipegger is to buy it first and find a use for it second...

The icing on the clearance cake is that the Winnipegger will then they brag about how little they paid for the item to every single person that ever comments on it. Forever.

Friend: "Oh, I like your jacket!"

You: "Thanks, I got it for five dollars on clearance at Forever 21!"

Friend: "Really? When?"

An omission of an awesome deal will ALWAYS trigger another Winnipegger to ask when and where the item was purchased; even if they don't want the same sale item as you, they want, er, need to get to that store to see what other treasures they can find for a bargain.

Hell, every single one of us drives to Grand Forks or Fargo to get deals at American stores.

In an ironic twist that kind of doesn't make sense, we'll shop till we drop in the States and then stay there for 48-hours because we don't want to spend money on paying duty, yet we'll happily fork out cash for cheap hotel rooms and American buffets...

I'm just throwing this out there for everyone, but how much do you usually save on duty charges compared to the cost of hotel, food and two days worth of shopping?!...

Just sayin'...

2. We love to hate: As Winnipeggers we are taught from a young age just how shitty life in the prairies is. It's cold, we're the murder capital of Canada pretty much every single year, we don't have an Ikea (yet), other provinces and places in the world make fun of us...

Most of us develop an extremely low sense of community self esteem. We're emo.

However, on the other side of this community apathy, there is a really marred sense of civic pride. You see, if a non-Winnipegger starts making fun of our province, or the way we do things, we get defensive and downright angry. (This might be where the murder capital thing comes in, I'm not sure...)

For example:

Vancouverite: "Wow, Winnipeg is small and it's cold, and you don't have an IKEA here! -- I can't wait to go back to Vancouver where famous celebrities reside and shop at the same Whole Foods that I shop at."

Winnipegger: "Bitch please! -- Has your province ever won the title of Slurpee capital of the World?! No, didn't think so, cause we win it every single year. Booyah!"

But really, nobody but other Winnipeggers can talk shit about our province. Nobody.

3. Open-toed shoes and mini skirts in minus forty temperatures: I've got to hand it to Winnipeg girls; they're the only species out there that can rock open-toed shoes, a mini skirt and a light jacket with just a tube top underneath it in -40 degree Celsius weather for as long as it takes to get into a the bar.

Sure there might be a windchill warning in effect, and yes science has proven that bare skin freezes at a stupidly high rate when it is exposed to extreme weather conditions, but Winnipeg girls are an anomaly. They really are, because they'll shiver and complain the whole time they're waiting in line, but no matter how cold it is most of them will stay in that lineup until they get into the bar. Being cold isn't even be an after thought once they get in, cause DAMN they look good...

4. The Winnipeg Jets: Our beloved NHL team was ripped away from us 15-years ago and we still mourn as though it just happened. The team died before some of the kids who are wearing its merchandise now were even born, and every couple of months local media fuels the fire about an NHL team possibly coming back.

Sure the team wasn't what you'd call a top winning team, and yes I understand that people only started attending games regularly once it was announced that they might be taken from us, but pretty much every single Winnipegger has a little bit of Jet blood running through their veins. (Oh, and also I think Winnipeg has the highest population of Gary Bettman haters in the world...)

5. We like to give: Winnipeggers are notorious of being generous when it comes to giving to charities. We're an empathetic bunch who dig deep to help each other, and it's awesome.

that being said, we still really need to work on not being the murder capital of Canada anymore. Giving is awesome, killing is not...

You know what time it is...It's CAKE O'Clock.

The other day I thought it was a good idea to make a cake. My logic was this: If I wanted something sweet and tasty to eat I would have to make it myself, the way the pilgrims did. I thought this would be a good diet strategy because it would mean that I couldn't just buy something...

However, as it turns out, my math was a little off, and this is the worst diet I've ever tried! You see, instead of having an individualized snack, I had an entire cake.

Fail.

Anyways, I ended up throwing half of the cake in the garbage. I started to feel bad about myself as I stuffed forkfuls of frosted goodness into my mouth.

I ate my emotions...

(P.S. Even though eating half a cake is always gross, I did this over the course of three days...Barf.)

Breaking up is hard to do...

Ah the break up.

I was lying in bed last night, trying to fall asleep, when I was struck with a slap-you-in-the-face-light-bulb-kinda-revelation about break ups.

Right now you're probably like: "But Shelley, you're single and you've been single forever, how can you know anything about break ups?"

Perhaps you're right, but lest we forget that I'm old and I've been through some doozies. So have a little faith that I do know a good break up when I see one...

At this stage of the game I'd venture to say that we've likely all been down that road to heartbreak before-- This is that period in our lives where cheesy love ballads and bitter break up songs become a poignant part of our days; where some of us will change our Facebook statuses to cryptic messages of love and loss (Or, even worse, song lyrics...) Or, where we'll take up poetry and/or journal writing.

"I've never written a poem before, but I feel so sad that I just want to express my pain in a rhyming structure of words..."

(Yeah, I don't get it either, but I bet there is a study out there that can correlate breaking up and poetry.)

For most of us the ultimate experience of a break up is lost because it is marred by psychotic episodes of irrational emotion and a distorted sense of self entitlement. In fact, I dare say that reliving a break up in hindsight is often hilarious and awkwardly embarrassing.

You see friends, there are certain things we do when we hit the all-time low of ending a relationship. these things, usually out of the normal scope of who we are, and are often insane.

This is why I've decided to compile a list of breakup behaviours...

1. Cry: Not all of us are criers, but for those of us who are, ending a relationship is like opening an uncontrollable time-bomb of tears. I remember when I broke up with this dude who I dated for a little over four years , I cried for days. I probably even cried for weeks, I don't remember. All I know is that any little reminder of him would send me into a frenzy of tears, and let me tell you, EVERYTHING reminded me of him. Heck, people would say hello to me and I would burst into tears.

"I remember when he used to say hello to me, it was just like that...Waaaahhhhh!!"

It was awkward, but it leads us to our next break up behaviour...

2. Telling EVERYONE you know how sorry he'll be one day: There's this weird thing about human beings, we need justification from other people (and from ourselves) that we're better than our current situation. When someone gets dumped (or endures a break up because their partner did something wrong, like cheat) the scorned person usually looks to other people for confirmation that they're better.

"He'll be sorry. I bet nobody else can cook a roast like me, or can do that (insert explicit sexual reference here) or will love him as much as I did...He's stupid, he doesn't know how good he had it. And you know what, I'm happy I'm out of that relationship, because I realize that I could never date a man who doesn't appreciate me for me. And you know what, he'll be rudely awakened by the next girl he dates, because she won't compare to me and that's when he'll realize how good I am, but by then it will be too late. TOO LATE...I'll get the last laugh, and I feel sorry for him, because even though he deserves to be laughed at, I don't want to hurt him..."

Depending on how scorned a person feels, these conversations can be reiterated (to numerous people) for weeks, even months. It's a tiresome task to be friends with someone who got dumped...

3. Appetite: Most people who are mourning the loss of their relationship either suffer from break up anorexia, where they are too sad and depressed to eat, or they have an insatiable appetite because they are literally eating their emotions. (Hence, they're hungry for the sads.)

I've done both, neither are pretty.

4. Error in judgement which leads to an inability to decipher a compliment from a pass, which leads to a rebound or a full blown case of being slutty: As the break up wears on, emotions change back and forth from sadness to anger to relief, back to sadness, back to anger, and so on...

During all of this the one thing you can count on is your inability to see clearly and your starvation for attention. (You may not see this in yourself, but the stench of desperation you are emitting is clear to the people around you, especially guys like Mr Smooth, who will try to take advantage of it.)

It is important to note that just because you and Mr Smooth may have things in common, like eating, sleeping and breathing, you likely do not have a "connection" or a "spark." In fact, you don't have a "connection" or a spark" but that's what you're going to tell yourself when you go back to his parents place after a drunken night at the Pal.

And last, but certainly not least, the final break up behaviour that seems like a good idea at the time...

5. Communication: The psychotic phone calls, texts, visits, notes, emails, etc to the ex: People waiver back and forth a trillion times about whether or not this break up was the right thing to do. Hell, you'll justify why you should be together, why you shouldn't, and what you'll tell your friends if and when you decide to go back.

It's a vicious cycle that starts with a tiny ounce of communication:

YOUR TEXT: "Hey"

HIS TEXT: "Hey"

In no time it will spiral out of control, that 'Hey' will quickly turn into 'I love you' or 'I miss you.' At this point you're pretty much fucked.

However, nobody can tell you not to communicate with the ex because you're not going to listen. Quitting an ex is like quitting meth or crack, you've got to want to do it.

To conclude, all I have to say is that if you keep any sort of record of your next break up (a journal, poetry, a CD of your favourite sad and angry break up songs...) in a couple of months down the road when you're not sad anymore, I promise you, it'll be hilarious.

PHOTO: http://www.inspirational-friendship-poems.com/break-up-sad-love-poems.html

Volunteer Opportunities...

School is almost over.

After spending the last two years scratching and clawing my way to achieving my dream of being able to call myself a journalist, I am finally almost there. In just a few short weeks, I will be done. Weird.

I'm excited and nervous about this new chapter, life is bitter-sweet. On one hand, I'm scared to death that I won't be able to find a job, yet at the same time I'm excited that I will soon be able to devote some time to start volunteering again. (Since I started CreComm I haven't been able to volunteer as much as I would have liked to. I'm astounded at how much my lack of doing things for other people has affected my mood in a negative way. I am truly happiest when I am able to do things to help other people.)

Before CreComm, I spent a lot of time volunteering at Winnipeg Harvest. I worked in the warehouse and was a member of the public education committee. I met so many wonderful people at Harvest, and I credit my experience there for being life altering. (I went there with a mission of changing the world, and emerged as a changed person. In hindsight I can say with certainty that I needed them more than they needed me.)

I'm not sure if I will go back to Harvest once I am done school. I mean, I love it there, and I will always consider myself a part of the Harvest family, but there are so many different places that need volunteers that I might venture to try something new. (Or maybe I will do Harvest and something else?!) Who knows...

I'd like to take my niece volunteering so that she can learn early on in life how important it is to help other people (and herself.)

School is almost over, the countdown is on.

Professionalism during a meltdown

I haven't been able to take my eyes off the Charlie Sheen tirade all day. What started with me reading an Associated Press article about Sheen's shenanigans has quickly turned into a full-flegged Sheen addiction.

I can't stop watching, reading, commenting on, re-watching, etc all things Sheen (Circa the last couple of days.) I'm hooked. How can I not be when Sheen is spewing out phrases like:

"I'm Bi-Winning," When asked if he was Bipolar. Or, "I'm on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body," was his response when the reporter asked if he was on drugs.

The man is hilarious and animated, even in crisis. (I know that's terrible for me to say and I have contemplated the millions of ways that karma will get me for enjoying Charlie Sheen's meltdown this much, but alas, the man is funny.)

I am astounded at Good Morning America reporter, Andrea Canning's composed demeanour throughout this train-wreck of an interview. I give her credit for maintaining a cool and professional attitude during Sheen's tirade, I am not sure I could have done it.

CreComm: Before and after

BEFORE

AFTER

Hooray, it's reading week! I'm tired and I need a vacation (and a hair cut.)

There is a first time for everything.

School is quickly coming to an end. In a few short months most of us will graduate from this program and move onto bigger and better things (so to speak) in our lives.

I'm so excited.

It will be awesome to finally be able to make some money and not have to worry so much about amassing more debt than I'm bringing in, and all those nightly homework sessions will be a thing of the past.

It will also be nice to unwind from the gruelling two years that I've endured at the hands of the CreComm instructors, who, with all due respect, are the toughest people I've ever met. Most of all though, I am excited to just graduate– I'm excited to invite my family to a boring convocation ceremony, and have my 15 seconds of fame as I hear my name being called out when I walk across the stage to get my diploma. I'm so excited because that's something I've never really done before...Unless you count kindergarten and grade nine.

But really, I never graduated.

In all my 31-years, I've never been able to wear that cap and gown, nor have I had grad photos taken. I've never been called across a stage to pick up my diploma while my family snaps pictures of me, and I've never been to a grad party.

Nope. I missed that boat.

I dropped out of high school at the age of 16 because I thought I was dumb. Ever since I was a kid I'd always had a really hard time concentrating or learning anything in school. As I got older it only got worse; I failed grade eight, I ended up in summer school a bunch of times, and I barely passed my classes no matter how hard I tried.

Instead of seeking or getting help, I slipped through the cracks of the public school system until I finally quit.

I ended up getting my GED when I was in my early 20s; I wrote the test and they sent me my results with a copy of my diploma. It didn't have a gold sticker on it, and I think the signature might have been computer generated, but that piece of paper meant that I technically completed grade 12, and I was proud of it.

Still, I always sort of felt like I missed out on a grad.

Now, with the end of CreComm right around the corner, I can't even explain what it means to finally be able to say that I've graduated something. As stupid as it may seem, I can't wait to see what I look like in a cap and gown...

There is a first for everything...

Live your dream

Until a few years ago I thought it was my destiny to live in Winnipeg and make my living as a casino worker. At the time I was OK with that, because I thought it was the best job I could get. It didn't even dawn on me that going back to school and pursuing my "dream job" (a career) was even an option.

Back then I wanted so badly to find my "soul mate" and settle down, so I began to entertain the idea of happily ever after with every boyfriend I ever had for longer than two months. (The two month mark was my indication: If I could last longer than two months with a guy and we didn't hate each other, it was meant to be. It never worked out in my favour though. Not even once. In hindsight, that is probably a blessing... ) Still, I had my life mapped out and it was comfortably mediocre.

I was certain that it would happen if I just waited long enough.

I waited and waited for my life to start. It didn't even dawn on me that while I was waiting for my life to begin, my life was still happening all around me. It never stopped.

I was so oblivious of the real world, because I was too busy planning for my happily ever after, that when I did come to I was completely and utterly lost.

This life that I slept walked through wasn't what I had in mind.

After being burned one too many times by my settling down plans and partners, and after facing (and barely escaping) the firing squad at work, I decided it was time for a change. I figured the only way out was to educate myself, so I enrolled as a mature student at the University of Winnipeg.

After two years at the U of W, I ended up in the CreComm program (Where I am now, finishing up my last semester as a journalism major.)

I never in a trillion years considered that this is the path my life would take. I mean, as much as I have always loved writing, I never once considered that I was good enough to write for the likes of the Winnipeg Free Press and the Winnipeg Sun. (Both publications I have written for since I started CreComm.)

My life now is nothing that I had planned for. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, never mind for the rest of my life. It's hard and tiresome this way, but at least I am actually living it day by day now, instead of missing things by focusing on "one day."

Life is short. Chase your dreams.