Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Mr. Smooth - Version 1.0

Gather 'round friends, I am going to share with y'all my infinite wisdom about relationships.

(FYI for everyone that reads my blog: Yesterday I had an epiphany and decided that I am truly a relationship expert. -- Sure, I don't currently have a relationship. And it's true that I have probably suffered some of the most humiliating break-ups of all time. And ok, I probably should be married by now...But believe me, I am an expert.)

So here we go, let's talk about the infamous 'Mr. Smooth' today.

For those of you who have been fortunate enough to dodge a bullet, and somehow miss dating 'Mr. Smooth,' you are perhaps the luckiest bunch of people around; he's a sly one and he's been around the block a few times...

For those of us who have dated him -- or different variations of him -- have no fear, my friends, you are not alone. (Heck, we've probably dated him at the same time, because that's just the kinda guy that he is.)

I first met my 'Mr. Smooth' in 2002. He was a chiseled hunk, who was all sorts of mysterious. (Ahh, the good 'ol days when I was just a young lass who still believed in fairy tales...)

My 'Mr. Smooth' was a damaged fella, just having his heart broken by an evil ex-girlfriend who, by his accounts, was a beautiful monster that broke his heart and then haunted him. -- He was vulnerable and sensitive. He spoke honestly about how he wasn't ready to settle back into a relationship just yet, but how I was his best friend for listening to all of his anguish and heartache.

In a weird sort of reverse fairy tale, I was the one who was rescuing him.

Even though my 'Mr. Smooth' wasn't ready for a relationship, he was ready (and extremely able) to sleep with me. In fact, he told me that he "liked me" but he just couldn't be my boyfriend because he was simply in too much pain from the last relationship.

And, just like that; after he let me into his soul, I foolishly let him into my pants. (Ahh, right where he wants me: He can sleep with me, guilt-free, and still keep his options open. Genius.)

Friends, this is red flag number one about 'Mr. Smooth.' -- He plays an excellent victim. If you think that your new crush might be a 'Mr. Smooth,' consider all of the things he's already told you about himself; do you know everything about his 'evil' ex-girlfriend? Did he tell you of all the wonderful and romantic things that he did for her, only to have her rip out his heart and stomp it into a billion pieces right in front of him? Did he shed a tear, as he told you about the void in his soul? If any of this sounds familiar it's because dude is playing a game!

Any guy who actually likes you would never tell you that stuff! -- Not the first couple of times you hang out anyway. For some strange reason, most of us buy into this bullshit because we are too blinded by our crush on the guy, as well we are controlled by the competitive little voice in the back our mind that tells us that we could treat him better than that.

'Mr. Smooth' is banking on that.

Let us continue.

As time went on, 'Mr. Smooth' dropped the L-bomb on me in only a matter of a few months. I was in a state of euphoria; this chiseled hunk of a man loved me, who cares if we didn't have an official boyfriend-girlfriend title. I had his heart! He loved me!

Red flag number two: Ladies, if a guy tells you that he loves you, but still has issues with actually calling himself your boyfriend, there is something terribly wrong here. Seriously. First of all, I'd venture to say that the L-word is a heck of a lot scarier than the B-word. Furthermore, of course he's going to tell you that he loves you if you've stuck around for a few months, become his regular booty-call and not ask (or at least have the girlfriend-cred to ask) if he is sleeping with other chicks as well. You, my friends, have just let this guy have his cake and eat it too. True story.

And now back to my 'Mr. Smooth'...

Since my 'Mr. Smooth' loved me, I wanted to show him that I would make a fantastic girlfriend. I knew it was only a matter of time before he was ready to commit to me, and I didn't want to miss it by living my life. (Sounds crazy, but it's true, lots of us do it.) I gave up on going out with my friends, in case he called and wanted to hang out. I met him at work for his lunch break. Heck, I even brought him lunches when he'd call me and tell me that he didn't like the one he had. -- I was so wrapped up in trying to prove myself, that I totally didn't notice that the sweet and vulnerable man that I loved, and more importantly, loved me, had become this selfish d-bag that was using me. (Ok, he was using me long before this. However, at this point he had taking using me to a whole new level...)

Red flag number three: When start ditching your friends because 'Mr. Smooth' might call you, or might want to hang out, you are in a whole heap of something crazy. Ladies, it's awesome to want to hang out with your dude all the time, but guys like 'Mr. Smooth' want all of your time, even if they're not around to share it with you. -- Though it's easy to blame this type of behaviour entirely on 'Mr. Smooth,' it's a shared responsibility because you're letting him use you.

...And now back to the saga of Shelley and 'Mr. Smooth circa 2002.'

By the time 'Mr. Smooth' had finally allowed himself to be dubbed my boyfriend, we were already in a messy, volatile relationship that involved lots of fighting, yelling, dramatics and tears. It was like the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of relationships; one minute we were in love and the next minute we hated each other. The only thing that seemed constant was the fact that we would break-up, only to get back together. (Sometimes we'd get back together during the same fight that broke us up in the first place!) -- Ladies, I had now become 'the monster' that he first told me about way back when, only this time I saw a side I didn't know about.

Red flag number four: Look, this whole thing is a red flag. Get out before he crushes your soul and eats it for breakfast with the girl, or girls, that he is cheating on you with. I don't even have any advice for you if you get to this point, and I'm an expert!

So, here we have it. I know that this post is vague, and based far too much on my own personal experience. However, this guy was probably the smoothest "victim" I have ever met in my entire life. -- He got me with his chiseled good looks, and tortured soul...I was young.

Either way, this might be an isolated case (as there are still other variations of the smooth one...) But ladies, if this post is all too familiar to you, I suggest you abort the mission to be this guy's number one, cause it's futile.

Next time I will talk about a different version of 'Mr. Smooth.' -- This one's a lot more fun, I promise...

Picture: www.vegaschatter.com


  1. You should have interviewed Mr. Smooth to get his side of the story. Maybe his ex-girlfriend was Ms. Smooth!

  2. OMG! You have hit the nail on the head! Unfortunately dated a Mr Smooth for 8 years off and on - however the experience had a positive side - makes me appreciate my wonderful hubby every day!

  3. Great post Shelley - I've experienced and heard about Mr Smooth b4. jerk. now to pass this onto my sister so she stops feeling bad about her stupid (ex) Mr.Smooth...

  4. Aw I just watched an episode of Buffy where Mr Smooth TOTALLY smooths her right into bed with a dead dad sob story! Poor Buffy...

  5. I remember that episode of Buffy. GOOD ONE!