Turns out happiness isn't in my pant size...

The Winnipeg Free Press published this post on April 14, 2013 

I used to tell myself "If only I could lose xx pounds, everything would be better..."

I lost those pounds and life is better, but not because I lost the weight. In fact, the weight loss has very little, if anything to do with my happiness.

I'm happy because I have come to a point in my life where I accept myself and all of the things that make me 'Flawsome' (Note: That's a Tyra Banks term, and I think it's perfect.) I'm happy because I love myself.

I had a revelation last summer while looking at myself in the mirror. As I stood there examining all of my flaws, I saw the person staring back at me as someone I had bullied and berated for years. The reflection was one that I had picked apart a million times because it didn't have the curves I wanted, or because it wasn't thin enough, or pretty enough. Staring back at me was this abused part of myself that I took for granted and under appreciated. It was this person that I have said the meanest and most hurtful things to, routinely, without ever apologizing and sometimes without even realizing.

It was this lightbulb, life-changing moment that I realized I was in a toxic and abusive relationship with myself. This sounds really cheesy, but I never fully realized the extent of how harmful my thoughts and words were, especially to myself.

I didn't want to hate myself anymore.

It wasn't an easy feat to stop berating myself. The years and years of negative self-talk was programmed into my brain, it came as naturally to me as breathing did. It took a conscious effort for me to correct myself when those ugly words or thoughts formed.

For my whole life I fantasized about being thin. I kept telling myself that one day it would happen, but I kept failing at every diet or "lifestyle change" I tried.

I was sick and tired of failing, and decided to just stop. Stop the dieting, and stop trying to be something that I wasn't. I wanted to live my life without my weight and diet taking centre stage every single day. I wanted to enjoy food without feeling guilty, or trying to justify it to myself and others. I just didn't want to obsess anymore.

That forced me to really look at myself and my body and realize that I'll never be 'skinny,' my body isn't made that way. This is not to say that I can't lose weight, but I had a picture in my head of what I wanted to look like, and I couldn't see or accept anything other than that.

At first I found that it was easier to call myself down than to accept myself for who and what I was. But gradually that changed, and so did my outlook on a lot of things.

Happiness became my friends, my family and all of those special and unforgettable life moments. It became my accomplishments, and my sheer enjoyment of appreciating and loving myself.

With the cancerous thoughts gone, life literally became a million shades of wonderful.

I suppose the elephant in the room (so to speak) is the weight loss. I've lost a couple of pounds, doesn't matter how much. It was something that didn't happen overnight, or even something I tried to do. (Please don't confuse this with me saying I didn't try and I just lost weight, because I ran my ass off, but not for the purpose of losing weight...)

Shortly after my lightbulb moment I went through a breakup. My heart and mind were a mess and I found relief and therapy is sweating it out at the gym. It probably sounds silly, but I felt like I couldn't escape the absolute sadness and loneliness that comes along with a breakup, and the only thing that seemed to help was putting my headphones in and focusing that energy on running.

Luckily for me the sadness and loneliness gradually went away, and out of it I discovered how much I enjoyed spending that time with myself, and sweating. It's become a routine that I like.

I hate talking about weight, especially mine. Weight loss is something that may last, or may not. I have no idea what my body and biology will do in time, or how I will look in two months or two years. I'm more than just a number on the scale or a pant size.

Losing weight can be a positive experience, in most cases I'm sure it is. However an even more positive experience is living a happy life where you love and accept yourself.

To Kennedy and Mia: Let me tell you a little bit about your parents...

I felt compelled to write a letter to my nieces.

They won't understand the relevancy of my words until they're much older (they're four and one) but I have learned so much about my sister and brother-in-law since they became parents, I felt it important to share it with them.

Perhaps I am way off the mark, but thinking about myself as a kid, and seeing parenthood through my grownup set of eyes has been an extremely astonishing experience.


Dear Kennedy and Mia,

The thing about mom and dad is that they want what's best for you; their decisions for you don't always gain the popular vote, but they have a responsibility to you. Believe it or not, they'd probably prefer to be gain a few points in the popularity category, but responsibility and consequence for your well-being always win. Always.

You likely won't realize or appreciate this until you're older, because their unconditional love is probably lost on you (it is on all kids who have never known anything but unconditional love) But trust me when I tell you that you are the most important thing in their lives. They'd love for nothing more than to make you happy one hundred per cent of the time, but they can't sacrifice your safety or well-being just to make you happy. This is reality; if there was a way to get around that, I'm sure they'd try.

You'll get mad at them a lot in your life, and they will always love you. It's easy to take this kind of unconditional love for granted, since you've never known anything else.

The thing about mom and dad is that they'll always come second to themselves and each other, because you are always going to be first. The second you were born, you become the most important person in the world to them. While looking out for one's own best interests is a natural human function for all people, parents develop a sort of "selfless gene" when they have Children. Their children's needs outweigh theirs; their children's feelings outweigh theirs; their children's lives outweigh theirs...

You've likely heard this a million times before, and I don't expect you to fully grasp the entirety of this statement until you experience it for yourself, but your folks sacrificed a lot for you. Even their most fundamental basic human needs, like showering, eating and sleeping, have always come second to your needs.

Your parents don't expect anything in return for these sacrifies, except that you love and respect them.

The thing about mom and dad is that their concern for your well-being not only burdens you, it burdens them too. You may feel smothered by their rules, but rest assured your parents do too. When you scoff at their paranoia of the worst case scenario, they grapple with the very same thing. Your parents never used to be so cautious, but you getting hurt is their biggest, scariest, saddest fear in the world.

Every accident they hear about, every tragedy, every ill-fated situation that happens to another person, gets into their brain. You are the first thought that comes to their mind when they hear of these situations, and the utter fear of something like that happening to you becomes too much. Protecting you isn't just something they have to do out of obligation, it's something they need to do for you and for themselves.

While you may feel strangled by their concern, feel grateful that somebody loves you that much.

The thing about mom and dad is that they are flawed. Your parents are only human, from time to time they will make bad decisions and mistakes. They will have bouts of selfishness; they will sometimes be unfair; they'll get angry, be irrational, and they'll piss you off. Sometimes they will even be wrong.

Try and be understanding when this happens. It will be hard, but really, really try.

It'll be hard to go easy on them, since it seems like they're always on your case for the bad decisions and mistakes you make, but just remember that they expect great things from you because they think you're perfect, while you expect great things from them because you expect them to be perfect.

Trust me when I tell you that your parents are not perfect.

The thing about mom and dad is that you are the best thing that ever happened to them. Before you were born they didn't fully realize the meaning of life and love. To them you will always be their little girls, and they will always try to protect you. They love you unconditionally, and they want you to have a better life and future than they had.

You are two wonderful girls, full of potential and personality. You may not have everything in life you want, but you have parents who love you dearly. You are so very lucky, and so are your folks.

Four-Year-Old's Get Valentine's Day

My Valentine from the Kid. 2013

Happy Valentine’s Day! 

I think the kid’s excitement for “Valentimes Day” is rubbing off on me. She is so excited for this day that she has been counting down the sleeps till Love Day is finally here. 

For her, this day is about hearts and love. 

“Everybody get’s a Valentime,” she told me. “Everybody.”

It’s refreshing to look at this day through a four-year-old’s eyes. She’s too young to feel inadequate about not having a boyfriend to share it with, or to be let down by high expectations. She isn’t comparing herself to her friends, or feeling lonely. On the contrary, she is just so happy to celebrate love day with the people she loves. 

It’s kind of profound to realize that a four-year-old knows more about love than most adults I know. While many will spend the day showering their partners with gifts, and others will feel lonely or let down, this kid is just happy to cut out construction paper hearts and bask in the day.

Bravo kid.

I don’t have a boyfriend this year. I’m not bummed about it, because I’ve never really been big on this day; not in the last decade anyway. But this year, after seeing this day through the kid’s eyes, I am excited for Valentine’s Day too.

I don’t have elaborate plans, but I’ve planned a red-hot date with my gym tomorrow night. It’ll be like the red-hot date I have with my gym three to five times a week, except afterwards I might buy myself a latte.

Aside from my nieces, I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend this day with. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day with the people you love. Whether you show them with your actions, your words, or gifts, make sure you let them know just how much you love and appreciate them. If you don’t have anyone to shower with your affections, then show yourself just how much you love you. There is no shame in not having anybody but yourself to love. We should all be so lucky to love ourselves as much as we expect others to.

If you find yourself feeling sad or lonely, my best advice to you is to have a heart-to-heart with a kid in your life; they’ll set you straight on what this day really means.

Happy Love Day everyone!

xo

Can't hold on to the past...

Me and Amma Selfie, Circa yesterday.

I went to visit my grandma yesterday. 

She recently moved into a nursing home; a necessary adjustment, but a hard transition for her and for some members of my family. Me for sure.

I’ve been taking this whole experience extremely hard. I know it’s a progression of life, and I know that what is happening is happening in the best interest of my grandma. Still, the feelings that come along with this type of change are difficult. It’s a sort of grieving process that I didn’t expect.

There are parts of this story that I am not going to tell; not because they are bad, but because I need to respect my family, namely my grandmother. Her privacy and dignity are of the utmost importance. In writing about this, I can and will only speak to my feelings and experiences. 

I knew this was coming. I’ve known for a long time, yet I’m trying my damndest to hold onto the past. Though I realize this is impossible, letting go doesn’t get easier with logic. 

Logic is meaningless when you love somebody.

My grandma and I are close; we have always had this special relationship that I can’t even explain, let alone compare to any I’ve ever had with anyone else. It’s like we are the same spirit, sixty years apart. It sounds whimsical, but that’s what it feels like.

She has always been a part of my life. To me, she is forever.

My grandma has never let me down, or hurt me. She has always believed that I could do anything, and has encouraged me in my endeavors no matter how foolish or ambitious they were. She is the type of person that has clipped every article I’ve ever written; meticulously saved every card or gift I’ve ever given her; Appreciated every visit I’ve ever paid to her...

She loves me and I love her.

As we sift through her things, the sentimental value of the entirety of her home has almost become too much. Her apartment, her things, her smell, that feeling of being home... It’s all being packed away, divided, and moved. It’s just stuff, but it’s her stuff. 

I can’t seem to get passed that. I don’t want to let it go.

This move, this change; it’s the best thing for her. Though she waivers in her feelings about it all, I know that she is being taken care of, and I know that there are aspects of this new life that she already prefers. 

Perhaps I am just being extremely selfish. I scold myself for that, knowing full well that this transition was overdue. I guess I just wish that time would just stop for a little while longer. 

For Amma

When your heart grows heavy and your memories fade, 

When simple becomes hard and you are afraid,

I will be there.

When hope is lost, and hurt intervenes,

When your whole life becomes a set of scattered scenes,

I will be there.

You can't escape this demon, it will eat you whole, 

but the ray of light inside you will encapsulate your soul.

Confusion has become a staple in your life,

With a hand upon your shoulder we will get you through this strife.

When your mind starts to vanish and you forget who we are,

When frustration gets the best of you, and reality seems too far, 

When your feelings make no sense, and you've had too much to take,

When your tears fall like bombs, and your heart begins to break,

When your day hands you nothing but forgetfulness and despair,

You are not alone.

I will be there.

Manitoba Health: Teaching Manitobans how to Suffer efficiently.

PHOTO/ Government of MBwebsite

The Manitoba Healthcare System teaches you how to learn to suffer efficiently. That's my experience anyway.

I've got a bad gallbladder; there's a stone blocking my common bile duct. (If you and I are friends in real life or on any social media forum, you probably know this already. I've been complaining about it for months. Sadly for you, I will likely continue to complain about it for another couple of months, until I get it removed.)

My situation is common I've learned; lots of people suffer from gallstones. They're not critical until they cause liver damage, and even then they are likely not critical. However if they do cause liver damage, the damage is irreversible. Unless your liver or pancreas are in immediate jeopardy, there is very little ER doctors in Manitoba can, or will do for you.

It's good news that my liver is fine, however, in a sense, it's also bad news because I don't warrant emergency care and my healthy liver has to take a few more months of daily "beatings" before I can get treatment.

Don't get me wrong about the healthcare professionals in this province; I appreciate them and the work they do very much. I appreciate the empathy most of the ER doctors who I have seen (which, over the months have been many) express towards me while I'm experiencing what I can only call a crisis; and I appreciate the painkillers they give me (usually a combination of morphine or demoral and Gravol) that help ease the pain; and I appreciate that they work hard, and have to prioritize their patients based on how dire each person's situation is. Most, if not all, doctors work very, very hard.

However under our current healthcare system, my situation is only dire to me.

I don't blame the doctors, I blame the inadequate healthcare system in this province.

Healthcare professionals in Manitoba are overworked, often shorthanded, and see far more critical cases then mine on a day-to-day basis. Gallbladder attacks, a colleague who used to suffer from the same attacks said to me,  are "a dime a dozen in the ER." They likely aren't going to kill you, unlike the person in front or behind you in the triage desk line, who might be suffering from something critical.

Still, the attacks hurt. No, they damn near kill. The pain of a gallbladder attack is so intense they are often compared to childbirth. Since I don't have kids, I can't make that comparison. However, I can describe the increasingly frequent attacks as one of the most painful, if not the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

The attacks leave me debilitated, curled up in a ball, crying, and hoping that my painkillers kick in soon. Yet, even when they do, the Tylonol 3 or Percocet (otherwise known as Oxycodone) I have been prescribed are no match for the attacks. At this point, my only hopeless hope is that the stoned and sedentary affects of the drugs put me to sleep, so I can escape the stabbing and burning feeling that radiates throughout my body.

It's almost become a nightly routine. A complete nightmare.

I will get surgery, I've already seen a specialist who has confirmed that I need to have my gallbladder removed, although it will still be another couple of months before that happens. Until then I just have to continue to cope with the aide of highly addictive painkillers and a non-fat diet. (For the record, my gallbladder is so far gone, even foods with zero fat trigger massive attacks.)

I'm frustrated.

I don't know how to fix this fractured system; I see it as a failure of our government. However, I'm not sure how any governmental party can fix this kind of system. I tried, to no avail, to reach out to an MLA from the opposition party who tweeted out a media release slamming our healthcare system. I tweeted back at her, asking what her party would do differently. I'm not sure she has a solution, or would have told me if she did, but her lack of response gave her media release little credibility. It seems the media release was merely a finger-pointing campaign at the NDP.

(For the record, I actually agreed with her point that the curent Manitoba healthcare system is a failure. I don't think our government is doing enough for the people of our province when it comes to quality care in a timely fashion.)

Healthcare has seemingly become a political pissing contest; it's more about politics and finger-pointing then it is about patient care.

I realize the system is "free." I realize that perhaps the government has made strides and changes in various areas of this system. I realize that this is an abyss of a problem that will likely never be solved. However, that doesn't mean certain areas can't be fixed. The system operates on an emergency basis, overlooking people with painful or non-life threatening illnesses by making them wait and using band-aide solutions; In my case, an elevating prescription for more potent and more addictive painkillers.

There is not much logic in that type of action.

Throwing highly addictive painkillers at people and making them wait months for care is not only a recipe for disaster, but it causes a whole new set of problems for the patients and for all Manitobans, including our government.

How many people are knocking off drugstores for Oxy? How many people could have avoided drug addictions or runoff health issues if they received the care they needed in a timely manner? How many people become a strain on other parts of the system because they can't function normally due to their untreated illness'? How many people have to learn how to suffer efficiently?

Bottom line: Manitoba Health is a failing system. It needs to be fixed.

The fat on trying to sell skinny

I am sick to death of people trying to sell skinny.

People who sell the ideal of ‘skinny’ prey on a large segment of the population, desperate for a fix, perhaps a quick fix. Not all weight loss programs promote a healthy lifestyle, nor are many of the people in charge of running these programs certified to help others learn about nutrition and health.

Selling skinny is an over-saturated and lucrative business. 

Fat discrimination is one of the last acceptable forms of prejudice in our society. We see it in movies, on TV, we hear ads on the radio, on billboards, on magazine covers, and even in our daily rhetoric with others. In this day and age it is still acceptable to make fun of people who carry extra weight, because it’s their fault they’re fat. I call bull shit.

Why is it acceptable to comment or pass judgement on anyone’s appearance? I often compare the radical “Health/skinny-pushers” (we’ll call them ‘Fitness Extremists’) to the radical religious nuts: Just because they are doing something that they feel is right and they believe whole-heartedly in, they feel it is OK to pass judgement on others who may not do, or believe in the same regime. It’s the exact same religious cult, only a different god.

We’re appalled at the religious extremists who push their beliefs (often hurtful and hateful) on the rest of us because we deem them to be wrong and they instill hate. Yet we say nothing at the fitness extremists who do the exact same thing because they’re just trying to make the world a “healthier,” less fat place. 

Again, I call bull shit.

There is a fine, often marred, line when it comes to health and weight loss. There are definitely people who make it their career and their mission to help others become healthy, and as a result lose weight. But, there is another segment who is banking on the fact that we are a weight-obsessed society, willing to shell out money for the secret potion of weight loss. Some of these people have credentials that are deemed trustworthy, others don’t. Still, there is another segment who just don’t like overweight people. I can’t explain why, just as I can’t explain racism or sexism. 

The biggest obstacle many people with weight issues face is that they are made to feel inadequate and worthless because of the way they look. Whether it’s as blatant as someone calling someone else fat, or whether it’s in an ad preaching about how much better life is when you’re skinny, the messages are out there, and they are plenty. 

I am not certified to give nutritional advice, so I can’t and won’t say what might work for someone trying to lose weight. I don’t know what will work, we’re all different and our bodies respond to different things. That said, I do encourage people to look at themselves in love and kindness and appreciate the body they have. As cheesy as it might sound, loving yourself is the first step to a healthy lifestyle.

Please be leery about lifestyle changes, and please be leery about the countless people who want to “help” you.

The best way to decipher a person or business’ intentions is in how they promote a healthy lifestyle. 

My grandma: The cycle of life.

My grandma is 93-years-old and she has dementia.

It's hard to watch somebody you've loved your whole life deteriorate in such a confusing and frustrating way. She's old, she's changing, and the reality is, she is not the same person I've known my whole life. This disease is infecting her mind, weaving confusion and forgetfulness into her 93-years of memories and emotions. One minute she is fine, but in a split second she very easily gets lost, mentally and emotionally. She knows it, which is the worst part.

Amma, Me & Heather: Folklorama in the 80s

My mom always tries to console me by telling me that this is a natural progression of life. (She specializes in neurological brain disorders, I suppose she comprehends my grandma's disease in a way that I can't: logically and scientifically.) She's the one who has become my grandma's primary...I don't even know the right word. I guess the best way to describe it is that my mom and my grandma have, in a sense, come full circle: My mom cares for my grandma in ways that she is unable to care for herself anymore.

I know it's taxing on my mom, it would be on anybody. Not because my grandma is a "burden," but because it's a hard stage of life to walk through with somebody. Yet she does it well, with a lot of patience and firmness.

My grandma is a lovely lady, but if I had to guess I would say I got my attitude and temperament from her. (translation: She can be a diva at times, maybe a little intense and melodramatic...) That is part of her charm, and perhaps one of the reasons her and I have such a strong bond: we're the same person, sixty years and a bunch of different morals apart.

I've just been feeling a profound sadness about this chapter of life with my grandma. People tell me all the time that I should feel lucky to still have a grandma who is otherwise healthy, and I am. I just have a hard time with the dementia. I am not ready for this part. I'll never be ready... When it comes to my grandma my emotions outweigh any logic I might have. I love her, and it makes me sad. It just makes me really, really sad.

I know people mean well when they say those kinds of things, but sometimes those 'reassuring words' aren't helpful. Most times they aren't. Instead they instill a sense of guilt and shame about the way I feel. I know that's not the intent, and I am probably hyper-sensitive. But even though she is old and this is probably inevitable, love doesn't know age. Sometimes the best response to someone who talks about this kind of issue is just something like "That's shitty."

Yes it is.

That said, I love her and she needs me not to be the weak person that I've been. I can live in denial and sadness, but then I'm robbing myself of spending time with my grandma.

In the end, there is no real moral to this post. This is the cycle of life and the emotions that accompany it. To love someone with your whole heart is to understand that love sometimes does and will hurt, but it's always worth it.

Here's a video of my grandma I made a few years ago, my favourite part is when she starts laughing (fun fact: that was genuine; we were just fooling around and talking. I wasn't even going to use that footage until I saw it when I was editing. It's perfect.)

"We should all have one person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence, Grandmother was that person to me."  - Phyllis Theroux