Update from the inside...

I still can't believe what's happening.

This pandemic is surreal, like it's right out of a movie or a book.

We've only been isolating ourselves in our homes, and "self distancing" (The newest buzz word of 2020) for a matter of days. A week or two... But it seems like longer. The situation changes by the hour, and it seems surreal and sort of apocalyptic, yet normal. Or a new version of normal anyway. Watching daily briefings from the prime minister and premiere, and other leaders from other countries makes the world feel so much smaller.

We are all affected.

Time as a whole feels different. It doesn't matter as much as it did last week, and it's a lot more abstract when you don't have anywhere to go, but you still have to maintain your daily life. For now the routines have been tossed out the window. Low grade anarchy for all of us, but we're managing. The kids are even getting some school work done.

I have developed a deeper appreciation for their teachers and early childhood educators.

I don't know exactly how to navigate this new normal. It's only supposed to be temporary, but who knows how long this pause will be or what normal will look like after life outside the house resumes. I get anxious when I think about it. This pandemic could last a lot longer than I'm ready to admit. I have to think day-to-day right now or I may go crazy.

I think the strangest part of it all is how big this is. It's moved from something that we watched distantly across the world while we went about our lives to a new way of life. It has changed the way we interact with each other and has already infected us with a deep sense of fear and paranoia.

I am so afraid... Of catching the illness, or of dying or having people I know and love die from this. I am scared of surfaces, invisible germs, and contact with people. I'm scared of the uncertainty that looms over the entire world, and the changes that are bound to come of this.

I'm scared, because my sense of normalcy is disrupted.

Who knows how this is going to turn out.

Like so many I sit in the comfort of my home, being afraid and doing my best to make this time and this life normal for my family.

I recognize my privilege of isolating. We can protect ourselves from what lurks outside. Or, protect outside from what may lurk in us. Other people don't have the option. The unsung heroes of this pandemic have been grocery clerks, restaurant workers, delivery drivers, doctors nurses, truck drivers...

As the world seems to crumble, many of the people on the front lines keeping it going don't even make a livable wage. It's so fucked up.

This is only the beginning. I understand that... The world is changing, and so are we.

Self isolation: Birthdays, school and breakdowns!

Tuesday was my niece's twelfth birthday. The plan had been to go to Montana's to celebrate for a family dinner, but life seems to be changing by the second and we all need to stay home to try to flatten the curve of this pandemic.

Self isolation. It all still feels like a dream when I actually think about it too deeply.

Instead, on my niece's birthday we all gathered in our own homes on a Facebook messenger video group chat to sing happy birthday, as my sister brought her a cake for a short but sweet virtual birthday party.

The pandemic wasn't as serious four days ago as it is now, but we all elected to stay in our own homes because it was the safest bet. Now it would just be what we are mandated to do.

The virtual birthday party was bitter sweet. It was maybe ten or fifteen minutes of us looking at one another on our screens and talking over each other awkwardly. I'm so grateful for the technology to be able to share in moments like this from far away, but I've never missed my nieces birthday. I felt profoundly sad not to be there for this one.

This situation is surreal. Fear and isolation are both still so new, yet already feel deeply ingrained.

Yesterday I woke up, hopeful that I could get all three kids to play some super loose variation of "school" with me. I joked about starting the day with O' Canada and making them call me Miss Cook. I thought I could at least keep up with the suggested assignments from their teachers, and ideas from educators and other parents online. Or, in the very least I thought I could keep a cohesive morning routine around the dining room table.

It all fell apart pretty fast. While I made the two older kids write in a diary and the little one draw in a notebook, I didn't even delve into the jump math or book reports. All of our attention spans couldn't compute this new reality. I'm not a teacher, and after this hard slap into reality, I realize that teachers should all get a billion dollar raise.

Less than an hour later my in home class was dismissed and I felt like a giant failure.

It's not a contest. I have to keep reminding myself that life is not a contest.

I had a good cry after watching everyone's homeschooling pandemic stories. I sat there, in my room with big fat tears rolling down my cheeks watching everyone's crafts, homeschooling, yoga, walks in the snow. The glossy instagram side of this self isolation hit deep. Instagram makes everything, including pandemics look like a goddamn snow day.

It was my first day home from work and I couldn't help but compare myself to all the other moms in my situation-- A big no no for all social media, I know this, but I'm more sensitive than pre-isolated me. Right now things that wouldn't normally bother me are really getting to me and I haven't quite navigated this entire situation yet.

Until that point my youngest kid had been wearing the same pyjamas for days. Chris and I had been tense and short with one another, and all three kids had been watching waaaaay too much TV. When self-isolation became the new normal, we stopped adhering to the bedtime schedule, and I started letting them do things like playing on my laptop that I said none of the kids would ever be allowed to touch, and playing on the newly charged travel iPad (that I only let them use during trips.)

We probably should be better at keeping our routines, but we are in uncharted territory. We may as well try to make things more enjoyable for everyone right now.

I keep wavering in my belief that it won't last too long, to my belief that this is the new normal for the foreseeable future. I hate being in this weird limbo spot.

I may try to enroll my kids in my weird dining room table class again on Monday. If anything, I'll make sure they keep writing in their journals. This is something I think they'll want to look back at one day...

It will get better.

Pandemic

I guess now is as good a time as any to start writing again.

The entire world is in the midst of a pandemic, and I am not sure how to deal with or react to the uncertainty of it all. I've lived through pandemics before, but my privilege and proximity (perhaps?) always shielded me from the affects. I have never experienced one like COVID-19 where isolation and fear are so rampant and toilet paper is so scarce.

Pandemic in the age of social media means the bombardment of information is a lot to digest. It is constant, and it ranges from hilarious to apocalyptic. Right now it seems like we're all just waiting for  a big ball to drop. At least that's how I feel.

What a strange and fascinating time to be alive.

Businesses and schools are closing down and people are being told to be mindful of social distance and self isolate themselves to flatten the curve and slow the spread. The devastation that has happened in places like China, Iran and Italy seem like out of a movie. It doesn't seem real. Social media gives voice to regular people, like me, to share their experience, their fears, and their warnings.

Some of these accounts have been utterly terrifying.

Then, there are other voices. People who aren't afraid or haven't gotten sick. People who have gotten sick and who got better. People who are defying what the experts are saying and who are going on about their lives as though nothing is happening and a sickness isn't seeping in.

I'm not sure about everyone else, but I am really struggling to figure out my feelings about it all. I keep wondering if I am overreacting or under-reacting. I can't make up my mind about it.

Am I scared? Yes, but I'm not so much afraid of getting sick. I'm afraid of this cloud of uncertainty looming over all of us, apart from this sickness. I don't remember living through anything like this before, where everything came to a halt and we have been advised as a society to keep to ourselves. I'm apprehensive of life after COVID, namely the economic impact it will have.

It seems surreal, and I keep playing it in my head like a movie or TV show.

Narrator: The pandemic was coming. Seeping in on the cold March night, in Winnipeg Manitoba. The centre of Canada. But she didn't listen. Nobody did. Life went on until it came to a crashing halt. Until the sickness grabbed hold of her and ahold of everyone around her. Was the the apocalypse? Was this really how it was going to end?

*Dramatic music and b-roll*

People have bought up insane amounts of toilet paper and sanitizer, preparing for quarantine, or perhaps the end of humanity. Costco and Superstore are the hottest spots in the city, with people spent the weekend lining up all the way around the respective buildings and filling their carts with hoards and hoards of food.

Lord help me, please let me get through this time with enough toilet paper and patience for my children who are on a super-duper extended weekend. I have always grocery shopped like we were moving into a bunker, so I have lots of pantry food. That said, I am not sure that one can ever have enough chips for an isolation period.

It's hard not to become consumed in it. It's hard to not panic and think of worst case scenarios, and then share them with your loved ones or on social media. It's hard to manage your reactions. Uncertainty is scary, especially when it involves so many people.

I think we will be ok. I think we need to take this seriously, and listen to the experts, and ride out this wave knowing that we're all in this together and that it'll be ok.

Wash your hands!