Dear Kijiji Larry,
Shelley here. I'm the girl who's Backstreet Boys ticket Kijiji ad you responded to yesterday. You know, you emailed me asking me to call you, and then told me you'd be more than happy to buy my Backstreet Boys tickets so that you could take your 14-year-old daughter to the show, but you stood me up at the last minute just as the concert was starting?
We texted back and forth a little, making arrangements on where to meet before you shut off your phone.
We talked twenty minutes before we were due to meet, and you confirmed that the tickets were $120, which was less than the face value that my friend and I paid?
Yeah, that's me!
Larry, I'm not sure exactly what your motivation was. I mean, I've pondered it for awhile, I even slept on it and came up with a couple of scenarios that may be a possible reason you'd respond to a Kijiji ad for concert tickets then back out at the last possible second, wasting my time, tickets, and faith in the people of the Internet (which I will have you know was quite strong before you Larry!)
As I thought about it, replaying the "See what happens Larry?" scene from Big Lebowski over and over in my mind, it dawned on me that you could have been kidnapped on your way to MTS Centre to meet me outside of Moxie's. Or, maybe you were being held hostage by a bank robber as you were withdrawing the $120 for the tickets.
I imagined you Larry, an invisible voice on the other end of the phone, held captive and trying your damnedest to get to me and those Backstreet Boys tickets you and your 14-year-old daughter were so excited about. I imagined a Die Hard scenario where you were the Bruce Willis, any second emerging as the hero of this sordid plot.
I admit that I watch a lot of Dateline and sensational news magazine shows, but it's one of the more logical reasons that somebody wouldn't show up to complete a Kijiji transaction that they'd initiated hours earlier.
And then I looked at Twitter, and there was no breaking news of any kidnappings or hostage situations in Winnipeg, so I started to rack my brain thinking what else could have held you back from meeting my friend Becca and I in front of Moxies...
And then it dawned on me that perhaps you are an evil, greedy music executive like Eric Raymond from Jem and the Holograms. I thought, maybe this "Larry" works for a rival boy band and is trying to lower the number of people in attendance at last night's Backstreet Boys show. Sure it's ruthless, and you have taken innocent hostages like me and Becca into your web of lies and deception, but this type of behaviour is indicative of a greedy music executive villain... At least it is in 1980s cartoons.
I imagined you sitting in a big leather office chair, cracking your fingers and laughing mercilessly at your antics, while n'sync (minus Timberlake of course), or 5ive, O'Town, or 98 Degrees, stood in your presence.
We didn't want to be pawns in the boy band war Larry. We just wanted to sell our extra tickets, recoop some of the money we'd spent, and hopefully give somebody an awesome and discounted Backstreet Boys experience that we knew we were going to have. That's all Larry. That's all we wanted to do.
Then I thought, maybe Larry got lost.
When you texted "I'm here," and then still didn't show up, I called you, but you had turned off your phone.
"Shady," I thought. But Becca and I gave you the benefit of the doubt, because seriously, who says they're going to buy concert tickets and then jams out on the last possible second? Who texts someone to say that they're there and then turns off their phone? Who wastes an opportunity to see the Backstreet Boys, not only for themselves, but for somebody else who could use the tickets?
I'll tell you who does that Larry; Jerks do that. Yes Larry, you are a jerk. Your prank cost Becca and I $120 and a deep-seeded rage deep down in the depths of our Backstreet Boy-loving souls. More than the money though, I am annoyed that the tickets were wasted. This concert has been 16-years in the making, and you ruined that for someone else Larry.
This morning you texted me saying that 'All is good,' and that you did not see me anywhere.
"I did not see u anywhere" you wrote. You didn't even bother to spell out 'you,' which only makes me loathe you more... It's just three letters, you could have taken the time to properly spell out that word!
I think you are a liar Larry...And I also think you are a jerk.
Anyway, that's all. I hope a bird poops on you or something.