I just want to be able...

Yesterday I got my ass handed to me in my circuit training session with Jordan Cieciwa of One Fit City.

As I was rotating from 10 reps of pushups, burpees, and skate jumps, (repeat) I questioned why I was putting myself though this gruelling process. My arms turned to jelly as I put all my weight on them, like they were going to give way any second under the weight of my body. Sweat was dripping down my chin onto the floor into little drops that I focused on as a way to try not to fall on my face. I felt weak, and extremely humbled. I could barely do one pushup, let alone 10 in a row.

I hate feeling weak.

In the midst of this circuit I asked Jordan for a pen and piece of paper, he gave me a funny look but obliged, asking if a scrap piece of paper was OK. "Yes," I said. "That's fine."

Through the rest of the training session I carried the piece of paper and pen around with me, setting it down with my water bottle when I moved onto my next task. I would stop and take notes when I had a thought I wanted to remember later. My reason for this was simple; I wanted to remember how hard it was and the thoughts that were going through my head while I was trying to complete these tasks, because once I was done and the humbling feeling subsided, I knew I would go on with my day forgetting about how difficult this hour of my life really was. Beyond simply just forgetting, I knew as the day went on I would actually start to feel proud of my workout.

I didn't want to forget how hard I'd worked.

My notes. 90 per cent whiny, 10 per cent logic.

At the last stage of my workout, with an almost entirely full piece of paper of notes, I set out to do abs. My body was already beginning to ache. Why was I even doing this? I've already established a pretty good routine at my gym, doing an hour of cardio three to five times a week. I've become so good at that; running aimlessly into the thoughts brought on by the music blaring into my headphones. I already reached my "goal size," though it's nothing that I thought it would be like. (I still stand by my notion that the number on the tag of my pants has little to nothing to do with my happiness.)

And then it hit me.

I'm doing this because I want to be able. I want to be able to do pushups; I want to be able to do burpees. I want to be able to use my body and my muscles in a way that others, like Jordan are able to. I want to be able to run longer, lift more, squat lower, and jump higher.

I just want to be able.

This journey (if you will) is one that will make me better from the inside out. While weight loss and muscle mass might be a byproduct of the hard work I am doing, the whole point goes beyond bettering my appearance. I want to better myself to be healthy and able, which is why I chose Jordan to help me.

When I initially spoke to him, Jordan didn't promise to make me skinny; he said he could help me learn how to use my body and become healthier by doing it. He said he could help me learn about food and nutrition in a way that is best suited for me and my lifestyle. His beliefs seemed on par with mine in that not all people are meant to be "skinny," but we can all be healthy.

What I found telling about Jordan was his reason for being in the profession/industry that he's in. He was a sick kid who grew up to appreciate health in a way that many of us have never known. He lives a healthy lifestyle to stay healthy, not to be thin or ripped; those are just byproducts of his chosen lifestyle...

I can get behind that.

I suppose this is the next level of the lifestyle that I started last year; I love my routine, but want and expect more of myself... Kinda like graduating to the next level.

I want to be healthy. I want to be strong, and I want keep learning. And as I have already stated a number of times in this post, I just want to be able.