STFU: Things you should never say to people...

Inspired by a tweet I saw this morning, I felt compelled to give a little lesson on etiquette when speaking to other people. Please read carefully, and follow these basic rules of life...

You look tired: First of all, everybody knows that "you look tired" is code for "you look like shit." Seriously people, nobody ever looks good when they're tired, so you may as well say "you look like a shit with a side of bags under your eyes." Ugh. Second, if I look tired it probably means that I am tired and if I am tired I don't need you to remind me of it, especially if your comment isn't followed up with a solution to my exhaustion. If there is no cozy bed and warm glass of milk at the end of your statement, don't say it. Just don't.

The only exception to this rule is if mom or grandma says it to you, because they gave you life and can therefore say pretty much anything to you, and they're also most likely saying it in a sympathetic way that could land you a nap and a sandwich...

Are you expecting or When is your due date?: I make it a point to NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant. Never– even if she's nine months along and all baby, I keep my lips sealed. I learned this little trick after someone asked me if I was expecting. ("Um what?! No. No I'm not...")

If mom-to-be slips it into the conversation, go nuts. If someone else slips it into the conversation, go nuts. Just don't bring it up, cause if there's no baby at the end of that question, you've just ruined someone's day and self esteem.

Oh, and if someone calls you out for not noticing or thinks you're rude for not congratulating them, you can just tell them you did notice but you make it a point to never bring it up until someone else does, then tell them about the time you awkwardly congratulated someone who wasn't with child. they'll understand.

Any reference to a person gaining weight: I can't stress this enough: DO NOT TELL SOMEONE THEY'RE GAINING WEIGHT. First of all, they know, good lord do they know! (It was probably super apparent to them when they couldn't zip up their jeans that morning and they had a nervous breakdown because they had nothing to wear that fit...)

If you tell someone (in any way) that they are getting fat, have gained weight, or anything like that, you are an asshole. This includes girls, guys, kids...Anyone. Nobody wants to hear your opinion on their weight. Nobody. Plus, saying this only ruins someone's day and makes them feel bad about themselves.

This includes backwards compliments as well. I know you likely mean well, and you're only trying to be nice when you tell me that I have a "pretty face," or that I "wouldn't look good as a skinny person." But damn, can't you say something nice without bringing my flubs into it?! A simple "You look nice today" will suffice.