Anniversaries are good reminders...

Note: I wrote this post yesterday. I was unsure if I wanted to post it, so I slept on it. This morning I decided that the message was poignant and important to share. SC xo

This day is the reason I '11:11' It's just a personal symbol for me.

Today marks the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. 

I’m not going to talk about it though, because it is the past and I am OK. Like all experiences in life, it was something that has shaped me and helped me grow; something that I have learned from, something I have accepted, and something I have made peace with.

This day is a poignant reminder of the incredible journey I’ve had over the last 365-days. It is a reminder of my strength and endurance, and my ability to look back with acceptance and a broader understanding. This day is one that changed me, but will not haunt me.

What a difference a year can make. 

None of us go through life unscathed, that’s not how it works. Like any adventure, we are met with situations and circumstances that we can’t control, or that we didn’t plan for; and in the end it is our attitudes that determine the outcome every single time.

Accepting the bad things in life means that you accept the opportunity to learn and grow; It means that you are willing to admit that you were defeated, but that the fight isn’t over, and you’ll get back up it again. Accepting the bad things in life means that you can let them go, and they can’t hurt you anymore.

It’s OK to go through the motions when life throws you down; anger, sadness, bitterness, and the inability to forgive are important for self preservation, but they are also meant to be temporary.

Life will fail you; people will fail you; you’ll fail yourself, but in the end it’s how you recover that really matters. 

The best first date ever...

*Please note that I am breaking my own rule of talking about the 'dating' part of my personal life because this story is so epic and I can't not tell it. Also, I asked the guy permission to write this post, and he said yes.

Game Day selfie: "Duck Lips"

Last night I went out with this guy I met on Twitter. We've been following each other for awhile, and text every now and again. He calls me his "Twitter Crush" and I think it's cute. 

Anyway, a little while ago he asked me if I wanted to go to a hockey game with him, and I said yes.

“OK,” I thought, “What the heck…”

To be honest, I didn't really believe that he was going to follow through on our hockey date; tickets are expensive and hard to come by, I didn't think that he would take me if he got his hands on a set. But, I figured, there was no harm in just going with it. Maybe he was really going to take me...

Like anyone else who follows me on Twitter, the guy knows how much I love Claude Noel, the head coach of the Winnipeg Jets. I don't exactly remember how it happened, but the guy texts me a few weeks ago to tell me that he sort of knows the coach, and that he was going to text him and ask if we could meet him after the game.

“Suuuuuuure,” I thought. "You know the coach. Right."

But again, I went with it. Maybe he really did know the coach...

It's not that I thought this guy was a complete liar, he actually seemed really nice and somewhat genuine. I suppose I'm one of those skeptical people who takes everything people say with a grain, maybe a scoop, of salt. 

Anyway, game day comes and the guy drives into the city from his home, a few hours away. We meet at the City Place Mall, in front of Boston Pizza at 6 p.m. -- It's always interesting meeting Twitter people in real life; it's different than online dating, because you've conversed with these people in real time and with others... Hard to explain. I suppose it's almost just more comfortable for me to meet people from Twitter, as opposed to dating websites, in real life. 

We start walking to the MTS Centre and  he tells me the coach’s wife called him while he was driving to tell him what section she was sitting in, and that she would meet us after the game. 

Actual text between me and the guy yesterday

I still didn't believe him. (OK, to be honest I was starting to wonder if he was a serial killer, luring me in with a promise of meeting Claude Noel. I even asked him a few times. He assured me he wasn't, and I took him at his word.)

Just in case though, I told him that I gave all of his information to my sister, in case he really is a serial killer and he gets any bright ideas.

"She'll find you," I warned him.

The guy was a good sport about my threats and accusations. 

We did all the traditional Jets games things; spent a lot of money on concessions, took selfies, walked around the concourse, bought a 50/50 ticket (and pinky swore to get married if we won. Why not, we only met a few hours ago, it would be a fun way to cap off the night! haha), we cheered and chanted and made friends with all the people around us. 

It was a good time.

The game went into overtime, followed by a shootout. The Jets pull out a win, and it’s literally the best night ever.

“OK, Lynda says that she’s wearing a grey sweater and that she’ll be waiting for us at the front doors by the elevators," he says to me. 

Still skeptical, we push through the throngs of people, head down to the main floor, and make a run for the coveted meeting spot. When we walk in, my eyes dart around the room, and low and behold I see a woman in a grey sweater waiting by the elevator, looking down at her phone.

Could it be? 

Are we really going to meet the coach? 

Lynda?

We walk up to the woman and introduce ourselves. She is Lynda Noel!

Turns out the guy wasn't lying. 

The hallway to Joyland.

Right off the bat Lynda was friendly and tells us to follow her. We went through a security guarded door, down a long corridor. She tells us that she's going to take us to the 'Wives Lounge' to wait for Claude to finish his post game interview. 

We sat in the Wives Lounge for a few minutes. There were a few other people there (wives and girlfriends I'm assuming) and we watch the post game interviews on a TV mounted to the wall, and we chat.

At this point, though I can't speak for the guy, I'm pretty sure we're both in a weird state of disbelief. 

When Claude is done, Lynda takes us to his office. 

Before we get there though, Claude Noel comes out and we're all standing in this big corridor area near his office. All around us are the players of both teams packing it in for the day. Mark Stuart was talking to one of the guys from the Lightning, Kane was walking around, Thorburn was leaving, Stamkos was getting on the bus… And then Buff came out and I nearly peed my pants with excitement.

Me and Buff

Before I made a complete fool of myself, I asked Lynda if it was OK that I approach him. She said it was, so I walked up to Byfuglien, said something ridiculous and likely non-sensible and then asked him to take a “selfie” with me. 

He did, and thus, I can now scratch "selfie with Byfuglien" off my bucketlist.

The guy brought the coach some fishing hooks, and they instantly started talking about fishing. Buff soon joined in on the conversation, and I just stood there, in awe, like a star-struck idiot.

Claude Noel took us to his office, then to the Jets locker room, where someone took our picture with my iPhone. He made sure the picture was to our liking, and explained to us that “Nobody steps on the logo” on the centre of the carpet in the room.

As we leave, coach tells the guy that he’ll call him soon to set up a weekend that they can go fishing.  I BEG the guy to let me come. He said maybe...

Walking up the stairwell to get out of the MTS Centre we ran into Mike Santorelli, who also took a selfie with me.

It was a super rad night, and probably the best first date ever.

I wonder what we're doing for date number two?

The guy, me, and Coach Noel in the dressing room.

Boston.

SOURCE/ ABC News

It’s hard to understand tragedy like the attack at the Boston Marathon yesterday.

Violence and terrorism happen all over the world, but, like many, I am sheltered from the bloodshed and fear that grips entire communities when they acts are carried out. I see glimpses on TV, or read about it online, but I have always been far enough away from the destruction that it seems like I am in a whole other world.

I have been privileged with safety and peace thus far in my life. Something I often take for granted.

I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t know enough about the emotion or politics behind these hateful acts. I can’t understand what would make people and groups carry out such merciless and cowardly attacks on innocent people.

Details are still coming out about the Boston bombing, so far there have been three lives lost and nearly 150 people seriously injured. Outside of the physically scarred, there are countless people whose lives have been forever changed. This bombing has instilled a great sense of fear in people; it has shattered a part of their belief in humanity.

Yet, out of tragedies like these, heroes emerge.

SOURCE/ UK Telegraph

Yesterday, as I scoured the breaking news stories, I read about marathoners who continued to run from the finish line to the hospital to donate blood. I saw images of people carrying others out of the chaos. There was footage of people, tending to the wounded on the blood stained sidewalks...

And while the world watched, there was a tremendous outpour of grief and support from people outside of the chaos; horrified at the tragedy unfolding in front of them.

There is no sense to what happened in Boston yesterday. There is no sense to this type of carnage and violence that happens all over the world. This is the purest form of cowardice and evil carried out by people who, for lack of a better term, are just bad people.

The world is sprinkled with bad people who will terrorize innocents, and carry out attacks such as yesterday’s bombing, but they are few in comparison to the majority of the population. In times like these, when we question humanity and the world around us, it’s the heroes and the innocents we need to remember.

My heart goes out to the people of Boston. It goes out to all people affected by this kind of violence.

Turns out happiness isn't in my pant size...

The Winnipeg Free Press published this post on April 14, 2013 

I used to tell myself "If only I could lose xx pounds, everything would be better..."

I lost those pounds and life is better, but not because I lost the weight. In fact, the weight loss has very little, if anything to do with my happiness.

I'm happy because I have come to a point in my life where I accept myself and all of the things that make me 'Flawsome' (Note: That's a Tyra Banks term, and I think it's perfect.) I'm happy because I love myself.

I had a revelation last summer while looking at myself in the mirror. As I stood there examining all of my flaws, I saw the person staring back at me as someone I had bullied and berated for years. The reflection was one that I had picked apart a million times because it didn't have the curves I wanted, or because it wasn't thin enough, or pretty enough. Staring back at me was this abused part of myself that I took for granted and under appreciated. It was this person that I have said the meanest and most hurtful things to, routinely, without ever apologizing and sometimes without even realizing.

It was this lightbulb, life-changing moment that I realized I was in a toxic and abusive relationship with myself. This sounds really cheesy, but I never fully realized the extent of how harmful my thoughts and words were, especially to myself.

I didn't want to hate myself anymore.

It wasn't an easy feat to stop berating myself. The years and years of negative self-talk was programmed into my brain, it came as naturally to me as breathing did. It took a conscious effort for me to correct myself when those ugly words or thoughts formed.

For my whole life I fantasized about being thin. I kept telling myself that one day it would happen, but I kept failing at every diet or "lifestyle change" I tried.

I was sick and tired of failing, and decided to just stop. Stop the dieting, and stop trying to be something that I wasn't. I wanted to live my life without my weight and diet taking centre stage every single day. I wanted to enjoy food without feeling guilty, or trying to justify it to myself and others. I just didn't want to obsess anymore.

That forced me to really look at myself and my body and realize that I'll never be 'skinny,' my body isn't made that way. This is not to say that I can't lose weight, but I had a picture in my head of what I wanted to look like, and I couldn't see or accept anything other than that.

At first I found that it was easier to call myself down than to accept myself for who and what I was. But gradually that changed, and so did my outlook on a lot of things.

Happiness became my friends, my family and all of those special and unforgettable life moments. It became my accomplishments, and my sheer enjoyment of appreciating and loving myself.

With the cancerous thoughts gone, life literally became a million shades of wonderful.

I suppose the elephant in the room (so to speak) is the weight loss. I've lost a couple of pounds, doesn't matter how much. It was something that didn't happen overnight, or even something I tried to do. (Please don't confuse this with me saying I didn't try and I just lost weight, because I ran my ass off, but not for the purpose of losing weight...)

Shortly after my lightbulb moment I went through a breakup. My heart and mind were a mess and I found relief and therapy is sweating it out at the gym. It probably sounds silly, but I felt like I couldn't escape the absolute sadness and loneliness that comes along with a breakup, and the only thing that seemed to help was putting my headphones in and focusing that energy on running.

Luckily for me the sadness and loneliness gradually went away, and out of it I discovered how much I enjoyed spending that time with myself, and sweating. It's become a routine that I like.

I hate talking about weight, especially mine. Weight loss is something that may last, or may not. I have no idea what my body and biology will do in time, or how I will look in two months or two years. I'm more than just a number on the scale or a pant size.

Losing weight can be a positive experience, in most cases I'm sure it is. However an even more positive experience is living a happy life where you love and accept yourself.

To Kennedy and Mia: Let me tell you a little bit about your parents...

I felt compelled to write a letter to my nieces.

They won't understand the relevancy of my words until they're much older (they're four and one) but I have learned so much about my sister and brother-in-law since they became parents, I felt it important to share it with them.

Perhaps I am way off the mark, but thinking about myself as a kid, and seeing parenthood through my grownup set of eyes has been an extremely astonishing experience.


Dear Kennedy and Mia,

The thing about mom and dad is that they want what's best for you; their decisions for you don't always gain the popular vote, but they have a responsibility to you. Believe it or not, they'd probably prefer to be gain a few points in the popularity category, but responsibility and consequence for your well-being always win. Always.

You likely won't realize or appreciate this until you're older, because their unconditional love is probably lost on you (it is on all kids who have never known anything but unconditional love) But trust me when I tell you that you are the most important thing in their lives. They'd love for nothing more than to make you happy one hundred per cent of the time, but they can't sacrifice your safety or well-being just to make you happy. This is reality; if there was a way to get around that, I'm sure they'd try.

You'll get mad at them a lot in your life, and they will always love you. It's easy to take this kind of unconditional love for granted, since you've never known anything else.

The thing about mom and dad is that they'll always come second to themselves and each other, because you are always going to be first. The second you were born, you become the most important person in the world to them. While looking out for one's own best interests is a natural human function for all people, parents develop a sort of "selfless gene" when they have Children. Their children's needs outweigh theirs; their children's feelings outweigh theirs; their children's lives outweigh theirs...

You've likely heard this a million times before, and I don't expect you to fully grasp the entirety of this statement until you experience it for yourself, but your folks sacrificed a lot for you. Even their most fundamental basic human needs, like showering, eating and sleeping, have always come second to your needs.

Your parents don't expect anything in return for these sacrifies, except that you love and respect them.

The thing about mom and dad is that their concern for your well-being not only burdens you, it burdens them too. You may feel smothered by their rules, but rest assured your parents do too. When you scoff at their paranoia of the worst case scenario, they grapple with the very same thing. Your parents never used to be so cautious, but you getting hurt is their biggest, scariest, saddest fear in the world.

Every accident they hear about, every tragedy, every ill-fated situation that happens to another person, gets into their brain. You are the first thought that comes to their mind when they hear of these situations, and the utter fear of something like that happening to you becomes too much. Protecting you isn't just something they have to do out of obligation, it's something they need to do for you and for themselves.

While you may feel strangled by their concern, feel grateful that somebody loves you that much.

The thing about mom and dad is that they are flawed. Your parents are only human, from time to time they will make bad decisions and mistakes. They will have bouts of selfishness; they will sometimes be unfair; they'll get angry, be irrational, and they'll piss you off. Sometimes they will even be wrong.

Try and be understanding when this happens. It will be hard, but really, really try.

It'll be hard to go easy on them, since it seems like they're always on your case for the bad decisions and mistakes you make, but just remember that they expect great things from you because they think you're perfect, while you expect great things from them because you expect them to be perfect.

Trust me when I tell you that your parents are not perfect.

The thing about mom and dad is that you are the best thing that ever happened to them. Before you were born they didn't fully realize the meaning of life and love. To them you will always be their little girls, and they will always try to protect you. They love you unconditionally, and they want you to have a better life and future than they had.

You are two wonderful girls, full of potential and personality. You may not have everything in life you want, but you have parents who love you dearly. You are so very lucky, and so are your folks.

Four-Year-Old's Get Valentine's Day

My Valentine from the Kid. 2013

Happy Valentine’s Day! 

I think the kid’s excitement for “Valentimes Day” is rubbing off on me. She is so excited for this day that she has been counting down the sleeps till Love Day is finally here. 

For her, this day is about hearts and love. 

“Everybody get’s a Valentime,” she told me. “Everybody.”

It’s refreshing to look at this day through a four-year-old’s eyes. She’s too young to feel inadequate about not having a boyfriend to share it with, or to be let down by high expectations. She isn’t comparing herself to her friends, or feeling lonely. On the contrary, she is just so happy to celebrate love day with the people she loves. 

It’s kind of profound to realize that a four-year-old knows more about love than most adults I know. While many will spend the day showering their partners with gifts, and others will feel lonely or let down, this kid is just happy to cut out construction paper hearts and bask in the day.

Bravo kid.

I don’t have a boyfriend this year. I’m not bummed about it, because I’ve never really been big on this day; not in the last decade anyway. But this year, after seeing this day through the kid’s eyes, I am excited for Valentine’s Day too.

I don’t have elaborate plans, but I’ve planned a red-hot date with my gym tomorrow night. It’ll be like the red-hot date I have with my gym three to five times a week, except afterwards I might buy myself a latte.

Aside from my nieces, I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend this day with. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day with the people you love. Whether you show them with your actions, your words, or gifts, make sure you let them know just how much you love and appreciate them. If you don’t have anyone to shower with your affections, then show yourself just how much you love you. There is no shame in not having anybody but yourself to love. We should all be so lucky to love ourselves as much as we expect others to.

If you find yourself feeling sad or lonely, my best advice to you is to have a heart-to-heart with a kid in your life; they’ll set you straight on what this day really means.

Happy Love Day everyone!

xo

Can't hold on to the past...

Me and Amma Selfie, Circa yesterday.

I went to visit my grandma yesterday. 

She recently moved into a nursing home; a necessary adjustment, but a hard transition for her and for some members of my family. Me for sure.

I’ve been taking this whole experience extremely hard. I know it’s a progression of life, and I know that what is happening is happening in the best interest of my grandma. Still, the feelings that come along with this type of change are difficult. It’s a sort of grieving process that I didn’t expect.

There are parts of this story that I am not going to tell; not because they are bad, but because I need to respect my family, namely my grandmother. Her privacy and dignity are of the utmost importance. In writing about this, I can and will only speak to my feelings and experiences. 

I knew this was coming. I’ve known for a long time, yet I’m trying my damndest to hold onto the past. Though I realize this is impossible, letting go doesn’t get easier with logic. 

Logic is meaningless when you love somebody.

My grandma and I are close; we have always had this special relationship that I can’t even explain, let alone compare to any I’ve ever had with anyone else. It’s like we are the same spirit, sixty years apart. It sounds whimsical, but that’s what it feels like.

She has always been a part of my life. To me, she is forever.

My grandma has never let me down, or hurt me. She has always believed that I could do anything, and has encouraged me in my endeavors no matter how foolish or ambitious they were. She is the type of person that has clipped every article I’ve ever written; meticulously saved every card or gift I’ve ever given her; Appreciated every visit I’ve ever paid to her...

She loves me and I love her.

As we sift through her things, the sentimental value of the entirety of her home has almost become too much. Her apartment, her things, her smell, that feeling of being home... It’s all being packed away, divided, and moved. It’s just stuff, but it’s her stuff. 

I can’t seem to get passed that. I don’t want to let it go.

This move, this change; it’s the best thing for her. Though she waivers in her feelings about it all, I know that she is being taken care of, and I know that there are aspects of this new life that she already prefers. 

Perhaps I am just being extremely selfish. I scold myself for that, knowing full well that this transition was overdue. I guess I just wish that time would just stop for a little while longer. 

For Amma

When your heart grows heavy and your memories fade, 

When simple becomes hard and you are afraid,

I will be there.

When hope is lost, and hurt intervenes,

When your whole life becomes a set of scattered scenes,

I will be there.

You can't escape this demon, it will eat you whole, 

but the ray of light inside you will encapsulate your soul.

Confusion has become a staple in your life,

With a hand upon your shoulder we will get you through this strife.

When your mind starts to vanish and you forget who we are,

When frustration gets the best of you, and reality seems too far, 

When your feelings make no sense, and you've had too much to take,

When your tears fall like bombs, and your heart begins to break,

When your day hands you nothing but forgetfulness and despair,

You are not alone.

I will be there.